Grinning Idiot

PETA Wants to Choke Chicken

2008-02-13T14:48:00.000-08:00

I'm for the fair treatment of animals, so don't get me wrong, but sometimes there seems to be certain people who go overboard about things.

Take PETA, for example.

This group of animal rights activists believes that the State of Kentucky does not have the right to deem chicken as the official picnic food of the State. Well, we all have an opinion, and perhaps they would enjoy a nice dish of stinky tofu but they go even further by stating that we shouldn't even have the right to enjoy a nice delicious succulent barbequed chicken on the Fourth of July - or any other day, for that matter.

These are the same fine upstanding citizens who believe that we shouldn't own pets or that seeing eye dogs should be prohibited!

PETA they want to choke,
The right of other folk,
To decide on their own,
To chew on a bone,
Or have a chicken to stroke.

Well, its just about time to go warm up the barbeque - perhaps some lamb with rosemary this evening ...

The Raids Have Begun!

2008-02-12T17:51:00.000-08:00

"They visited us last night" ...

"They gave us warnings ... "

So stated persons who wished not to be identified after Saudi government agents visited them under cover of darkness.

The campaign has started.

Against terrorists, you ask?

Al-Qaeda cells being raided?

Bringing untold horrors to a halt before they occur?

Horrors indeed!

The horror of receiving a beautiful bouquet of the ancient symbols of love and beauty - roses - on Valentine's Day from a loved one, that is.

The agents of the Commission for the Promotion of Virtue and Prevention of Vice (no, I didn't make that up) have commenced their annual visit to florists and gift shops instructing them to remove all red items lest the vice of presenting one's sweetheart with a red gift is promoted.

No more red roses to convey one's deepest love and respect.

No more red wrapping paper in which to enclose a gift.

No more red teddy bears!

On the Day of Love you'll fail,
To find red roses on sale;
At least in Riyadh;
It's really quite sad,
To have one could land you in jail.

Its nice to see how the Saudi princes are promoting democracy and understanding in their land.

2002-07-30T10:48:00.000-07:00

One Sick Aussie Puppy

In the Sick Puppy department we now have our latest entry, Craig Hilton Bell, 43, a bank loans manager in Brisbane, Australia.

Craig Bell enjoyed going to female doctors and telling them that he had been kicked in the groin (or other similar ailment) so that the doctor would examine his scrotum and penis and, upon being requested to drop his pants he would quite obviously not be lacking with respect to the functionality of his genitilia (no, he wouldn't be requiring a prescription to Viagra).

The court, quite aptly, described Bell as being a "sad sexual misfit" and convicted him of 24 counts of sexual assault.

Come on, Craig - if you have a fetish make certain that whomever you're getting off with is consenting to it.

A fetish for doctors had he,
When he went is was with great glee;
He'd tell them a lie,
Thinking he's sly;
Now he must get therapy.

Yes Bell he is a sick pup,
He'd say he had pain as he'd cup,
His balls with his hands,
As his manhood expands;
The dude has really cracked up.

I hope that the only doctors that Craig Bell will be seeing for awhile are therapists.

2002-07-28T06:00:00.000-07:00

Thanks

The dawn it has come so now it is time,
To pack it all in and cease with the rhyme;
I give to you all my thanks and a bow,
As my head hits my pillow, right away, right now.

Thanks everyone, it has been fun!

2002-07-28T05:28:00.000-07:00

'Twas the Night of the Blogathon

This will have to be the start of something for next year (next year?!)

'Twas the night of the blogathon and all 'cross the land
Every blogger was scurrying, to write on demand;
The keyboards were clattering away and aware,
In hopes that some publisher would read what we share;

The bloggers were all nestled all snug at their desks,
Ignoring spouses and children and other small pesks;
And I with my quill, bad prose for to write,
We'd all hunkered in for to scribe through the night.

When out on the street there arose such a noise,
I jumped up from my desk, lacking all poise;
Away down the hall, and into the foyer,
Ripping open the door, praying it wasn't a lawyer.

The lamps up high above the glistening pavement,
Gave the lustre of mid-day around our enslavement;
When, what to my blood shot eyes should I see,
But Hunter S. Thompson, taking a pee.

Drawing his name, all yellow in snow,
I heard for some minutes the sound of the flow;

2002-07-28T05:00:00.000-07:00

Public Whores

No, the New York Stock Exchange is not revising it's existing policy and becoming a public traded company.

Australia's largest brothel, the Daily Planet, has lifted its corporate skirts and bared all of the facts so as to try to become a public entity traded on the Australian Stock Exchange within the next 6 to 12 months.

If they succeed, and with the demise of Enron, they'll be the only listed bordello in the world.

It may just give new meaning to the "Dog and Pony" shows that the stock promoters do on behalf of their public clients.

In Oz they've got the Planet,
Where you'll find both Gina and Janet;
They're public going, whores,
Their stock could be yours,
Will it be only the investment that's granite?

Is this one company that one would want to plunge or rise?

2002-07-28T04:30:00.000-07:00

Princeton Hacks Yale

Well, Princeton's admissions Director has, according to CNN, finally admitted to having hacked into Yale's computers. Dumb bugger. hehe

Princeton they went to attack,
Yale so there they did hack,
Into their computer,
As they tried to loot her;
To get all their records, the smack.

2002-07-28T03:59:00.000-07:00

Priest's Porn Hidden

Upon first glance at the headline I wondered if the priest had been naughty so Cardinal Bernard Law hid his dirty pornography magazines from him.

It wasn't quite the case and it wasn't Cardinal Bernard Law who is involved (at least Law's name wasn't mentioned in the article) but his former aide, Roman Catholic Bishop John B. McCormack who is the brunt of a priest's lawsuit.

The Catholic priest, Reverend James A. MacCormack sued the Diocese of Manchester because they allegedly ruined his career due to a cover-up (during which the pornography was hidden) of the death of Reverend Richard Connors, who had died of a heart attack.

A heart attack?

I'll bet that he had one.

The lawsuit and police records state that the Catholic priest Connors was, at the time of his death, found partially clothed and had a black leather device tied around his genitals.

"Honestly officer, those are special rosary beads that we priests wear."

Bernie's boys are once more in the news,
What is it they do in their pews?
Their balls in black leather,
To hit with a feather?
Oh the Pope how he's singin' the blues.

Authorities were told that the priest Connors had come to the house to buy a dog.

2002-07-28T03:28:00.000-07:00

Shakespeare Horny for Nicole Kidman

Michael Boyd, the new head of the Royal Shakespeare Company in England, has described the Bard's work as "horny" and hope to persuade Nicole Kidman to appear in one of their productions.

Shakespeare, the play for the horny,
Who'd thought the Bard to be porny;
So Kidman they want,
The audience to taunt;
To me it just sounds kind of corny.

I believe that Mr. Boyd has been watching too many Austin Powers movies.

2002-07-28T02:58:00.000-07:00

Last Leg

This police chase ended with the suspect being down to his last leg ... as his prosthetic leg which came off. Detective Mike Lang said that it "Decreased his mobility." A smart lad that Detective Lang.

There once was a thief with one leg,
In its place was naught but a peg;
The cop chased him round town,
Till he ran him right down,
The cop was a tough boiled egg.

2002-07-28T02:30:00.000-07:00

Running Naked

A male nude jogger? Not a streaker such as Mr. Mark Roberts, but Mr. Steven J. Claiborne of Meriden, Idaho decided to go for a run in Burlington with nothing but his running shoes on.

According to Sgt. Michael McDade, as quoted in the Lowell Sun, "He just stated he was going for a jog and that was all he wanted to say on the matter. He parked his car on Mall Road and left his clothes in his vehicle."

You'd think that he'd stick out in public like that.

get your minds out of the gutter

I guess that you'd have to be extra careful not to run on your balls.

of your feet, of course

This is a man who is just going to have to grin and bare it as he becomes the butt of many a joke, even after they make adjustments to his medication.

Steven, the really cool dude,
Who likes to run in the nude;
By the cops he was busted,
Into jail was thrusted,
By Ashcroft was covered, the prude.

Of course, it may be that he was just looking to become a member of GABI

Related Links:

Winning Streak
Grinning Idiot's Grin And Bare It Club
Honourary John
Ashcroft Certifiable

2002-07-28T01:59:00.000-07:00

Rather Be Yoda

In an update to the He's Rather Paranoid, our roving photographer managed to capture this exclusive shot.

Dan 's seated a top the pagoda,
Sipping his warm diet soda;
But he's getting quite old,
If I may be so bold,
He's looking a bit like dear Yoda.

2002-07-28T01:32:00.000-07:00

One Girl Getting You Laid

I laughed. Okay, I'm tired, but I still laughed and laughed at One Girl Talking's cheesy pick-up lines.

The girl she was getting you laid,
So don't you feel at all afraid;
She wrote out the lines,
Your pick-up signs;
You use 'em you'll likely get flayed.

2002-07-28T01:00:00.000-07:00

Famous Idiot Quotes

Descartes: I think therefore I am.

Dubya: Dick Cheney thinks therefore I am.

Will Rogers: A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.

John Ashcroft: A difference of opinion is what makes you under arrest.

Bertrand Russell: Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric.

Dick Cheney: When I want your opinion I'll ask for it.

Will Rogers: Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Al Gore: Bill, you just stay right there on that track.

2002-07-28T00:30:00.000-07:00

Frozen Schmucks

How lazy does Smuckers think everyone is? (Okay, so they know how lazy most people are.) They've now come out with a new frozen peanut butter and jam sandwich that you can take out of the freezer in the morning, pop it into your child's lunch bag and it'll be defrosted by lunch time.

MMmm ... mmmm ... soggy sandwich for lunch.

Smuckers makes a sandwich that's frozen,
I don't think you'd call it ambrosian;
When it thaws, all soggy,
Won't it taste kinda woggy?
It's not the lunch I would have chosen.

2002-07-27T23:59:00.000-07:00

Secret Messages

"A Secret Service agent has admitted he scrawled anti-Muslim statements on a prayer calendar during the home search of a man charged with smuggling bogus checks into the United States," according to the Washington Post.

He thought he'd write a small note,
About his mom and a young goat?
The agent, an ass,
Was really quite crass;
I doubt that he they'll promote.

2002-07-27T23:31:00.000-07:00

Caffeine Crazed

And now our minds they do bake,
As we sing for to remain wide awake;
Singing about beer,
895 bottles, I fear;
And quaffing caffeine till we shake.

It's enough to drive us all nuts,
As the caffeine it tears up our guts;
But it's all done in fun,
And soon we'll be done,
To fall on the floor on our butts.

2002-07-27T23:00:00.000-07:00

Saddam Doesn't Have the Balls

Sunday's Washington Post is quoted as stating that "many senior U.S. military officers contend that President Saddam Hussein poses no immediate threat and that the United States should continue its policy of containment rather than invade Iraq to force a change of leadership in Baghdad."

Grinning Idiot's own military analysts offer this comparative overview and military assessment of the situation:

They're saying that the balls he lacks,
But do they really have all of the facts?
Without balls he's nuts,
No ifs or buts,
And with his feet he can kick in the sacks.

2002-07-27T22:35:00.000-07:00

Amish Assissin

For the Amish Assissin who's provider wasn't co-operative during the Blogathon and yet has kept us amused and awake these hours:

Then there's Amish the Assassin,
Who's shown to have quite the raw passion;
For prose that is bad,
Just don't get too mad;
Else all will turn grey, quite ashen.

2002-07-27T21:58:00.000-07:00

Hands Down Ruling

A lawyer's client was fidgeting prior to giving her testimony in court.

The lawyer's solution?

To turn her over his knee and for to spank her bare bottom.

Of course, we all know that she sued him, though the US District Judge Robert Chatigny stated that the lawsuit wasn't covered by lawyers' malpractice insurance policies after the argument, "The perverted act of intentionally fondling the bare bottoms of female clients cannot and is not part of the practice of law."

The lawyer he thought he'd be thanked,
Which is why his client he spanked;
Bare bum in the air,
He swatted her fair,
Bottom, it's he who's the skank.

2002-07-27T21:30:00.000-07:00

Woman Demands Satisfaction

The people at Delta airlines pulled Renee Koutsouradis off of the plane prior to take-off because something in her bags was vibrating.

The male employees starting "laughing hysterically" upon the removal of the long vibrating object from her luggage.

Okay, a few snickers might be called for, but they shouldn't have made the rude comments that they allegedly made to her.

At Delta the fools did berate,
Renee for her bags did vibrate;
They took her right out,
Of the plane with a pout,
To joke and to make her eyes dilate.

2002-07-27T21:00:00.000-07:00

The Pervert Club

This blog, run by three girls... well, it's name says it all ... The Pervert Club.

It's a club that is but for a pervert,
People who like for to squirt it?
And go with bare feet,
Or show all their meat;
Ya think that they like for to flirt it?

2002-07-27T20:31:00.000-07:00

Remember Goldmember

I can understand what I'm doing here, raising the money for charity, but why aren't you out with your friends watching Mike Meyers as Austin Powers in his new movie Goldmember?

Get out and go see his latest,
You know that Powers 's the greatest;
Go see the movie,
Baby it's groovy!
And find if his mojo 's the straightest.

2002-07-27T19:59:00.000-07:00

Perfect Pear

According to research conducted by the Nimble Bread Company in England, the men of Britain are, "all going pear-shaped."

The makers of bread, the Nimbles,
Thought men should sit upon thimbles;
Not have asses like pears,
Or so they declares,
To the sound of trumpets and cymbals.

Nimble Bread must employ a statistician with a sense of humor. They've worked it out that the population of Great Britain desires to lose, by Christmas, weight that would be the equivalent of a massive pod of 950 Blue Whales (I'll let you reverse engineer the number).

2002-07-27T19:34:00.000-07:00

Blog Trek

If you're reading this blog, the odds are you are a geek of one type or another. This in turn increases the odds that you happen to be a Trekkie, either from the original Kirk and Spock episodes or one of the other heroes developed under the Star Trek umbrella.

So, for the Star Trek fans:

There once was a captain named Kirk,
Who when seeing a lady would perk,
Up quite a bit,
And he'd ask her to sit,
Whilst his work with a smirk he would shirk.

And then there is a Vulcan named Spock,
With emotions as hard as a rock;
He smiled only once,
After a bit of a bunce;
Much to everyone's shock.

2002-07-27T18:59:00.000-07:00

Green Blogs and Ham

The writing continues to deteriorate into the lower realms in irc. At least this Idiot's happens to be heading that way as Dr. Seuss will commence to shudder as the whispers of the butchery to his books occur.

Do you like to blog dear Sam?
Do you like to blog with ham?

Would you blog with your palm?
Would you blog without a qualm?

Could you would you blog up high?
Might you blog until you die?

Would you blog from your phone?
Might you blog whilst on the throne?

Blog away until its done,
Blogathon its really fun.

I have a feeling, to your collective regrets, that I'll be coming back to this one some day :p

2002-07-27T18:33:00.000-07:00

America Off Line

At least the New York Post seems to infer such in their article regarding AOL Timer Warner today.

They're looking at America Online,
The SEC, what shall they divine?
As they check out the books,
To ensure that no crooks,
Do hang from the corporate vine.

2002-07-27T18:00:00.000-07:00

Mad Monk

Dave, the Mad Monk, writes a very entertaining and insightful blog about the old saints of the Catholic church. Catholic, Christian or not, it's an interesting read for all.

The Monk he's as mad as a hatter,
Who writes with a rat-a-tat-tatter;
About the old saints,
Though not for the faint,
Well worth to read all his prater.

2002-07-27T17:30:00.000-07:00

Picking a Good Habit

As this was reported in Pravda, one has to wonder if the cold war propaganda is still at work as they attempt to undermine parental teachings ;-)

According to them American and British physiologists have stated that a habit that most consider bad, picking ones nose, is actually healthy.

These doctors believe that picking your nose will stimulate receptors situated in the nose to help the organism more actively fight illness.

The doctors say pick all your snot,
To dig and to get all you got,
Out a' yer nose,
Until it glows;
To cure of the cold that you caught.

2002-07-27T16:59:00.000-07:00

Snake Snack

Doctors in Romania were reported to have operated on a farmer, removing a 24 centimeter (approximately 10 inches) wood snake from his stomach.

The snake was still alive, even after being in his stomach for 3 days.

It was a snake that he snacked whilst he snored,
It slide into his gullet and tored;
His inner fat belly,
Into raw jelly,
He'll not eat no sushi nor more.

2002-07-27T16:32:00.000-07:00

Picture Puzzle

The Picture Puzzle Project is a great source of amusement and entertainment. The author has taken (quite good quality) close-up pictures of every day objects that may be found around the house and the reader is to guess what the object is.

Enjoy the fun!

The puzzles of pictures a project,
Where the reader is to guess the object;
Is it bread or dead rats,
Or grandpa's old hats?
Write down what you think is the subject.

2002-07-27T16:15:00.000-07:00

Wet, Wet, Wet

Bluecalx has everything that you wanted to know about water ... and more.

Water in advertising, water design, water formulas, water on the brain.

For water that is more than wet,
At Bluecalx it's what you'll get;
Water in art,
To take to heart,
As to mother earth you are in debt.

2002-07-27T15:39:00.000-07:00

Winston "The Jedi" Churchill

I can see already which direction this day is going to flow.

In irc we were, for what god forsaken reason I don't recall, discussing Winston Churchill when Martin brought up the question:

"You know what Churchill said when someone complained to him about how he ended a sentence with a preposition?"

"This is the sort of arragant nonsense up with which i shall not put."

I hadn't realized until now the similarities between Winston and Yoda.

And then there's the drunk, ol' Churchill,
Who was said to possess some jedi skill;
Like Yoda he spoke;
What did he really toke?
As he kicked Hitler's ass to Brazil.

2002-07-27T15:00:00.000-07:00

Hiway 80

Eliot and Shroud manage to pose some interesting questions to their readers whilst at the same time create some fascinating and vibrant collages at Hiway 80 blog.

You'll find both Eliot and Shroud,
Asking their questions aloud;
Collages they create,
Superb, au fait!
Drawing applause from the crowd.

2002-07-27T14:30:00.000-07:00

Murder, She Blogged

For all of you murder and mystery fans, don't forget to drop by Meg's Murder, She Blogged to find out if it's David Wilkinson, Lucy Connor or one of the other cast of 24 characters who is the murderer on this Blogathon day.

Meg she did blog about murder,
Was it Jones the old goat herder?
Could it be Bill,
Else Jane or Phil?
That was to hang from the girder.

2002-07-27T14:05:00.000-07:00

Jay Crossing

Anyone who has read this Idiot's compilation of trivia, news, limericks and bold face lies will know by now that I'm a Jay Leno fan (well, most of the time).

Earlier in the week Jay Leno made mention of a school on the East coast at which men may learn how to get in touch with their more feminine feelings and learn how to be transvestites. In the show Jay made reference to himself and Kevin Eubanks having tested out the school.

Well, here at Grinning Idiot, we've managed to get some before and after pictures of Jay Leno exploring his new found fetish.

Did Jay dress up as a transvestite?
With lips all puckered, red bright;
His legs did he shave?
He's a rogue, a knave;
Much to the intern Ross's delight.

Thanks to Silly Jokes for the use of the image.

2002-07-27T13:33:00.000-07:00

Utopia, Dystopia, Frytopia

Cat Connor's blog (aka Frykitty and a driving force behind Blogathon) is quickly going to become a favourite of mine. Photography that is filled with humour, beauty and exotic history.

Go visit frykitty's frytopia,
A virtual bloggers utopia,
Pics for to please,
Laugh and to tease,
A wonderful photo cornucopia.

2002-07-27T13:03:00.000-07:00

Cable Cabal

And the new inductees to the Orange Jumpsuit Corporate Hall of Fame are:

Mr. John J. Rigas, founder of Adelphia Communications;
Mr. Timothy Rigas, son and former chief financial and accounting officer at Adelphia Communications; and,
Mr. Michael Rigas, son and onetime executive vice president for operations at Adelphia Communications.

Deputy Attorney General Larry Thompson was quoted in the Washington Post as saying, "Members of the Rigas family systematically looted the corporation," costing investors billions of dollars.

Adelphia, in the meanwhile, has filed for bankruptcy with over $2 billion in debt.

What did these fine upstanding corporate citizens do?

Why, according to the article they merely:

Inflated the number of cable subscribers that Aldelphia had;
Took $240 million from the company to pay for their own stock margin calls; and,
Used $13 million of the company's funds to build a golf course on land owned by John Rigas.

The last point one might understand. It may have been in preparation for their potential long stay at one of Uncle Sam's corporate resorts with some of their Enron and WorldCom golf buddies.

Who is it you really should blame,
That they wanted to practice their game?
The firm's accounts the source,
They built a golf course;
In jail they may now rot in shame.

I wonder if they'll be signing off on their financial statements under the new SEC requirements?

2002-07-27T12:32:00.000-07:00

Domo Arigato, Mr. Bloggato

Martin Marks is, with his stories, comments and prose busy "saving the world one entry at a time."

Martin with his words unfurled,
Is busy saving the world;
Take heed of his word,
Come on, get spurred,
Else to chaos we'll all be swirled.

2002-07-27T12:02:00.000-07:00

Musings with Substance

At Substance Musings you'll be blessed with Alyssa's bad poetry (her quote - it's better than this Idiot's limericks) and photos of IKEA furniture and her shoe collection.

Alyssa the Imelda of blogs,
Who shows her newest of clogs;
And writes her prose,
'Bout friends that she knows;
Whilst the rest of us write in our fogs.

2002-07-27T11:32:00.000-07:00

Creative Crayolas

Mike at Cresantfresh has pulled out his box of crayolas and is sharing his talents with us by drawing original Cresentfresh artwork of the other Blogathon participants.

Mike draws using a crayon,
His art it looks quite Malayan;
He's drawing the bloggers,
The marathon joggers,
He's put an artistic soiree on.

2002-07-27T11:03:00.000-07:00

Praying for Silence

We've all had problems with noisy neighbours and I know that I've been a noisy neighbour on more than one occasion - but you try to inform your neighbours that you're going to have a party and if it gets too loud, well ... they can just join in the fun.

But what about the situation that appeared before the Ontario Rental Housing Tribunal that Canada.com reported on?

Teresa Tafawa and Derrick Mitchell, who have reportedly managed to frighten a number of their neighbours, are awaiting the tribunal's verdict following numerous complaints for they are "praying too loudly."

Tafawa and Mitchell they pray,
So loud it was though that they bray;
Their voices did swell,
Heard from heaven to hell;
They'll now be evicted, they may.

2002-07-27T10:34:00.000-07:00

Royal Flush

The projects that the other people are doing for the Blogathon are quite awesome! I'm so impressed with some of the things that people are doing for this charity fund raising event. Also, it's good to note that there are a few other twisted puppies out there other than myself ;-)

Take Wendy for example:

Wendy's blog it's not down the drain,
Though it's mainly all Mansfield and Crane;
Thank god they did flush,
Else many might blush,
And faintness there are some who might feign.

2002-07-27T10:03:00.000-07:00

Stapled Panties

Speaking about nailed, it would appear that Steve-O is stapled and now about to be nailed.

The MTV co-host of "Jackass" was named in an arrest warrant for an obscene barroom stunt in which he allegedly stapled women's underwear to his bare chest whilst he was "exposed."

Steve-O, he never will fail,
To amuse, but now it is bail,
That he's going to need,
For his sick deed;
Now he can wear panties in jail.

2002-07-27T09:33:00.000-07:00

Nailed in Bangkok

Perhaps there are advantages to living in a country in which superstition flourishes.

I can hear the line that the soldier (who, as it was mentioned in the Bangkok Post was found to have a fish hook and four two-inch nails in his stomach) was feeding his girl friend:

Soldier: Really darling, I wasn't out drinking with my buddies and I did not make a silly bet about eating a fish hook and some nails. It must have been black magic!
Against the advice of his doctors his family have taken him back to his home town for a black magic curing ceremony.

The docs they sought what ails,
A man who had hooks and nails,
In his fat tummy,
'Cause he's a dummy,
And was betting whilst drinking his ales.

2002-07-27T09:02:00.000-07:00

Rock Garden

Yesterday I went to look at Sunny's blog when I came upon (easy on the puns, people) this picture:

This is such a bad line, but I just can't resist saying it: I guess that someone was busy getting their rocks off one night in the garden.

Sunny had a garden of rocks,
That the people could see from the docks;
She had the odd flower,
But above them did tower,
Long stones that looked like big funny penises.

Many thanks for the use of the picture and for sponsoring this Idiot, Sunny. Keep up the great writing! :-)

2002-07-27T08:32:00.000-07:00

Corporate Fiber

Did you ever stop to think of the similar results produced by WorldCom's network of fiber and the fiber that you eat in the morning?

The stock it is down in the pits,
It matters not of reverse splits;
Ebner you screwed up,
The company done blewed up;
And your fiber just gave us the shits.

2002-07-27T08:01:00.000-07:00

Brain Drain

A 22 year-old man who lives in Luebeck, Germany suffered the most draining of days.

He dropped his keys which fell down through a manhole cover. Lifting the cover off and reaching down to retrieve his keys he ...

Got his head stuck.

The young gentleman had to be assisted by police in order to remove his scraped and cut self.

For the man it was really a pain,
To get his head all stuck in a drain;
It wasn't too wide,
But now it's his pride,
That'll suffer for his feat so arcane.

I guess that he couldn't tell everyone that he was just draining his sinuses.

2002-07-27T07:31:00.000-07:00

A Dick as Good as a Bush?

The other night I was half listening to the television whilst I slaved away in preparation for the Blogathon (either that or I was playing games) and I heard someone state that now a "no heart beat donor is as good as a brain dead donor."

It just hit me - are they saying that Vice-president Cheney is as good as President Bush?

At the House you've got Bush and Cheney,
It's only one who is thought to be brainy;
The other has got testis,
And a bit obsessed he's,
About Iraq and the invasion campaigny

Related Links:

Now I Know Why

2002-07-27T07:02:00.000-07:00

Sponsors - Thanks!

Many thanks once more to my sponsors for their generosity:

Mandarin Design
Cosmic Cards
KissMy.net (I really wish that they'd hurry up and get their site live);
Sunny
Anonymous; and,
Anonymous.

The last two sound as though it could have been the name of WorldCom's law firm.

It was with a degree of verity,
That the Idiot, he blogged for charity;
His sponsors he thanks,
Writing limericks and pranks,
Hopefully lacking in too much vulgarity.

Please pay them a visit for sponsoring the Idiot in the 2002 Blogathon as we raise money for Doctors Without Borders.

2002-07-27T06:30:00.000-07:00

Strap-On Duck

Nope, I'm sorry to disappoint my readers (waving to both of you) but this isn't the latest in kinky fetish wear. Well, at least it isn't intended for that purpose (what you do in the privacy of your home amongst consenting adults is up to you - I just don't wish to see any pictures of Janet Reno and John Ashcroft after the event - deal?).

The Duckmaster, invented and marketed by the Patomaster Group, is referred to by them as, "an ultra-efficient anatomical wake-up device".

They people they're not really crackers,
For inventing their Duckmaster quackers;
They sell what they make,
To keep you awake,
So you don't fall asleep, you slackers.

Damn, had I but known about this device prior to the Blogathon and I might have ordered one to ensure that I last the full 24 hours.

2002-07-27T06:00:00.000-07:00

A New Dawn

Fingers grasping for the handle of the mug filled with the steaming caffeine rich liquid and drawing it to my lips, a silent shudder as the dark fluid is quaffed and already commences to flow through my veins.

I'm going to regret this, I know it already - And you the reader will be regretting this before the Blogathon is over as well ... just wait until you start to read what I manage to come up with 24 hours hence. hehehe

Over the next 24 hours I am going to have my share of grammatical, typographical and spelling errors (more than is usual on this blog, that is) so I'll ask that you just grin and bare it and at a later date I'll try to correct those errors ... then again, I may just say to hell with it.

On with the show!

An Idiot who's up with the sun,
To write limericks and the odd pun;
I really should add,
If they're too bad,
Just shoot me with an old gun.

Hmmm ... I can see that some of you are already clicking the safety to off. Perhaps that last line should read:

"Just stuff it up your fat bun." :p

2002-07-26T01:41:00.000-07:00

Sponsor Prize

Wow! One of our sponsors, Cosmic Cards have generously offered the reward of 1 year paid for Premium membership to their site (a $107 value) for the top pledge in sponsoring the Idiot in this year's Blogathon.

Sign up at Blogathon now and you'll not only be donating to a good cause but you'll also have the opportunity to receive the Premium membership in return.

Go and sponsor the Idiot today,
From the depths of your heart you may pay;
But dig in your stash,
And pay cold hard cash,
And a prize you might win, you just may.

Many thanks to Jo-Anne and everyone at Cosmic Cards

Don't forget to drop by with your request or suggestion for a limerick topic during the Blogathon as the Idiot will be taking requests at that time. Just remember, you get what you pay for ;-)

2002-07-26T00:36:00.000-07:00

Sysadmin Day

Your System Administrator, this is the person for whom you should show the greatest love and appreciation of anyone in your organization.

This person is the life-blood of all that you plug into a wall socket.

The System Administrator is the one whom you never hope to hear say, "I cleaned the root partition and now there's lots of clear space".

Yet he or she is also the one for whom you jump the highest and fastest upon hearing, "Quick! Everyone save their work Now!"

Love and cherish this person and show your appreciation for today is:

System Administrator Appreciation Day

They're the ones who administer your system,
So heed my words of great wisdom;
Appreciate their ways,
On all Sysadmin Days,
Else to the crash of hard drives you'll listen.

Don't forget to pay careful attention to the Gift Ideas Section.

wondering if that will appease the sysadmin gods and godesses for another year

2002-07-25T15:00:00.000-07:00

A Very Silly Man

Late last night I started to notice an influx of visitors from the fine land of Oz and, of course, my curiosity antennae started to hum. The humming soon made way for snoring (not that I'd ever admit that I snore), but first thing this morning a very pleasant surprise was waiting for me in my e-mail inbox ...

An e-mail with a link from Peter Hay to a copy of a newspaper article that he so graciously scanned.

For a printer friendly version click here

A man very silly, they said,
So he'll be until he's quite dead;
They'll carve it in stones,
As they bury his bones,
Just because of what Jenny once read.

Thanks Jenny, it's what they'll now place on my tombstone. =/

2002-07-24T18:58:00.000-07:00

Poem Tag

How could I resist doing this upon seeing Poem Tags?

I'm going to add a little incentive (or will this frighten people away?) to anyone who may wish to sponsor the Idiot in this year's Blogathon.

Each person who sponsors the Idiot will receive one original personalized limerick so that they can create their own unique poem tag. Once it is confirmed that you've become a sponsor I'll need about 8 keywords that you might like to have within the body of your original Grinning Idiot limerick (I won't promise that I'll use your words, but it'll give me a good idea as to what you're looking for) and get it out to you early next week.

2002-07-24T16:51:00.000-07:00

It's Almost Here - Blogathon 2002

Saturday, July 27th is rapidly approaching so quickly sign up so that you too can sponsor your favourite Grinning Idiot in this year's Blogathon.

I'm pleased that there are now 5 sponsors who are generously helping to support Grinning Idiot's charity this year, Doctors Without Borders.

Doctors Without Borders was founded in 1971 by a small group of French doctors who believed that all people have the right to medical care and that the needs of these people supersede respect for national borders. It was the first non-governmental organization to both provide emergency medical assistance and publicly bear witness to the plight of the populations they served.

My thanks to:

Mandarin Design
Cosmic Cards
KissMy.net (hurry and get your Site active!)
Anonymous 1
Anonymous 2

You can be a sponsor for as little as $5 so come on and click this now.

There were without borders some docs,
Who worked not by the time on their clocks;
This was the deal,
They gave for to heal,
The needy where ever they walks.

Don't forget, start time is 6:00 a.m. PST on Saturday the 27th of July and, beyond the usual array of bad limericks and horrible puns, I'll have a few surprises during the course of the day ;-)

Related Posts:

Blogathon 2002
The Idiot is Sponsored

2002-07-24T13:49:00.000-07:00

IKEA - No Joke

Something that struck me as amazing whilst searching for information for the previous post was the dearth of IKEA jokes that were on the Internet.

From what I found, unless Google let me down, there was not even a handful.

Yes, there were many comments pertaining to the lack of ease with which one might attempt to assemble IKEA furniture, but there were virtually no jokes (though I haven't searched the Swedish and Danish Web Sites yet) which is very surprising considering the company's vast size, in terms of global reach (in 30+ countries), diversification (sales, shipping, manufacturing, insurance, etc.) and sales (estimated over $9 billion for the furniture division alone last year).

It's even more amazing considering the reputation that they have for poor customer service, the quality of product (though it has improved and you get what you pay for) and the frustrations that many subject themselves to upon purchasing an IKEA product.

If you find any humor or jokes (no attachments, thank you) regarding IKEA please send them on to me at grinningidiot@earthlink.net.

Into IKEA I started to poke,
Yet of them I found not a joke;
The Swede's such a bore?
But I'll look some more,
To see what's under their cloak.

How many people know what the acronym IKEA stands for?

Related Posts:

Swedish Terrorists

2002-07-23T11:27:00.000-07:00

Swedish Terrorists

And today's log record of whacked out Google search referrals goes to ...

IKEA+Al-Queda

Two questions (upon the cessation of laughter) immediately came to mind:

"Why would anyone enter this string as a search query?"

"Why did the Grinning Idiot blog show up as one of the Sites?"

The latter was much easier to answer. Entering the query's URL into my (not so) trusty browser's address box and then checking the highlights of the search terms in Google's cache of the blog. I referred to Arafat's upcoming (?) shopping excursion to IKEA in Arafat Goes Cheesy and during that same week there was a reference to everyone's favourite terrorist organization, Al-Queda, in Tattoo Turmoil.

The first question, now that one was starting to somewhat bother my tenacious curiosity.

A glance at the other Web Sites that also came up as a result of the search showed that they too were, on the surface, innocent of any ties to terrorists or references to IKEA's supposed association with the Al-Queda network - though I did come upon an amusing referral to a newspaper article in which it was (allegedly, as they didn't provide a link to the actual article) claimed that blogs were forums for Al-Queda sympathizers (I love idiot journalists).

Then the proverbial bolt of lightning struck me (it just happened to be traveling in slow motion today) - there are two potential reasons (other than someone testing to see how curious I might be) for the search:

1) IKEA, its Baltic factories spew out a decent quality of furniture for the price, but how many people here have tried to put together one of their Billy bookshelves or one of their desks?

Nodding as I count the mass of sweaty palms held high

You know exactly what I'm going to refer to then.

IKEA is a threat to the free world.

Through their subversive methods the Swedish monolith ruled by Ingvar Kamprad has:

a) Stolen jobs from assembly plant workers;

b) Undermined the stability of family values through the tensions resulting from the attempted assembly of one or more of their products. One need only to examine the global influx of IKEA stores that commenced in the 80's and the dramatic rise in divorce rates to see the correlation;

c) Reduced leisure time. It is impossible to enter an IKEA store without feeling like a rat in a maze with the end result being that a (in theory) 20 minute shopping excursion turns into 2 hours of shuffling like zombie lemmings toward the cliff's edge; and,

d) Traumatized children resulting in the dramatic increase of violence in the schools. Everyone (and you're either lying or already psychotic if you didn't) took great glee at being able to jump and bounce on their bed. Trying to see of you could dent the ceiling with your head was part of growing up. But bounce on an IKEA bed? Thud ... Thud ... Crash! "Dad!!"

Of course, the forgoing may (I repeat may) be somewhat inaccurate with the preliminary evidence being more anecdotal in nature, which leads me to my second theory:

2) Someone was Google Whacking.

There once was a group called IKEA,
Terrorists who wished they could set free a,
Turbulent bother,
As every father,
Was assembling beds made in Korea.

Related Posts:

Whacked Out
Limerical Whack Off

2002-07-22T13:41:00.000-07:00

Coffin Copulation?

Duncan Berry, now what in the world (or after world, as the case may be) were you up to when Judge David Boulton tells you that your assault was "so outrageous" that he wasn't going to outline it in the open court?

Berry, a former funeral home director was jailed for 18 months for having used his position of power to commit "outrageous sex assaults" on women.

I'm assuming that all of the women were visitors of the breathing kind (though I should know better than to assume).

Duncan Berry apparently stated adamantly that in the future he would never permit himself to be in such a position.

What about that Duncan Berry?
Who attacked women where they bury,
The deceased and the dead,
So the evidence said;
Will prison turn him into a fairy?

I wonder which position he'll be in whilst in prison?

2002-07-21T19:00:00.000-07:00

Kevin's Fetish?

Ahhhhhh .....

Another wonderful weekend that has been filled with visits with friends and family, long walks, a tad too much to eat and just enough to drink whilst enjoying tantalizing conversations and ear ringing laughter.

Needless to say, I've been somewhat remiss in updating here the past few days ... but, I highly recommend the occasional sabbatical from the radiating glow of your monitor. Even if you're taking your copy of Larry Ullman's PHP Advanced For the World Wide Web up to the peak of a mountain to read (don't forget a pen as it's frustrating being unable to take notes).

Goodness, I'd better remember to wear dark clothes or people will wonder why the paleness of my flesh has diminished.

~~So, here I sit~~ (pondering ... that has the ring of a verse that one might be more inclined to find on the inside of a washroom cubicle).

Sitting back in my chair, bare feet (will that hit Google for the bare foot fetish people?) upon my desk with an iced glass of Moskvaskaya in hand as I peruse the various tidbits of news and information that have accumulated these past days.

Talk about an abundance of (would that be "unadulterated"?) bullshit.

Yet, all of that I'll cover during the course of the next few days as there was something else that stuck me as being much more amusing.

The Grinning Idiot reference logs.

No, I haven't had too much sun (well, maybe a little) nor have I had too much to drink.

The geek in me? chuckling Perhaps.

Though it is more an amusement of the human mind and (how might one define this?) condition.

People have their fetishes, which is fine as long as it is between consensual adults. That doesn't mean that I won't get a chuckle out of those fetishes ;-)

Having seen an amusing array of them in the various log files of different servers I have, for the most part, ceased to be amazed. Still, every so often one pops up that causes my brow to raise.

Digressing momentarily, I've had more than my share of referrals from Google when people search for:

sarah+michelle+gellar+feet+barefoot+pictures

Regarding this search, I've found that the Grinning Idiot blog ranks 11 out of 6,920 on Google for people who search for pictures of Sarah Michelle Gellar's bare feet.

Although I do not possess a fetish for feet, I can appreciate aspects of it as Sarah Michelle Gellar is indeed a beautiful lady though, admittedly, I have no knowledge pertaining to her little piggies.

It was this one, which Grinning Idiot ranked 5 out of 599 on the subject, that raised my brows:

jay+leno+female+feet+fetish

Jay Leno has a fetish for female feet?

Females that have a fetish for Jay Leno's feet?

Jay Leno humour pertaining to the feet, and fetishes thereof, of the fairer gender?

Someone who has a fetish for Jay Leno's feet whilst he's dressed in drag?

Someone has a fetish for Jay,
Or his feet, as Google would say;
Could it be Kevin,
Who thinks that it's heaven,
When Leno's toes wiggle in clay?

Oh, well ... I believe that I'd better top off my drink and go outside with my book and enjoy the evening.

2002-07-18T14:45:00.000-07:00

Relatives Who Never Leave

Bizarre.

Just Bizarre.

Fine, there's nothing wrong with living with your parents, in particular if you're taking care of them, but this cough gentleman cough in Wiesbaden, Germany seems to have gotten a little carried away with the care giving.

The 42-year old man had been living with his father for at least a year. During that year the father spent the entire time on the couch ...

Dead.

Quoted in Reuters, Petra Volk of the local police department stated, "The father was skeletal, just skin and bones, completely dried up."

The son apparently did this so as not to be evicted.

The man he lived with his Dad,
Even though he's not a young lad;
The firemen were called,
For someone had balled,
"Something is rancid, gone bad".

It's fine to live with your pop,
But what do you do should he drop,
Dead on the couch;
Don't be a slouch,
Find a stick so that he you may prop.

He and John Henry Williams may wish to have a little get together with their fathers.

2002-07-17T13:40:00.000-07:00

Pissed Off

A, thus far unnamed, 23 year-old man was attempting to withdraw 10 Euros (US $10) from an automatic teller machine in Offencach, Germany but was prevented from doing so due to an empty bank account.

The man, annoyed with the situation, proceeded to unzip his fly and urinate into the ATM.

Security cameras caught the whole incident.

There once was a man who was dissed,
"By a teller, automatic", he hissed;
So his willy he set free,
And proceeded to pee,
In the machine for he was so pissed.

Couldn't he just say that he was trying to add some liquidity to his account?
____________________________________
Don't forget to sponsor the Idiot in the 2002 Blogathon.

2002-07-17T12:32:00.000-07:00

911? Oops!

Amongst the abundance of Idiots out there one can't help but roll ones eyes and chuckle upon hearing of Robert Riordan's predicament.

The resident of Stratford, Ontario was desirous of obtaining a phone number, so he dialed 411 - or so he thought.

Upon hearing that the police answered he realized that he mistakenly dialed 911.

Shortly thereafter a patrol car was sent to Robert Riordan's residence, where they found a marijuana grow operation in the basement.

Oops!

Robert was a grower of pot,
To his house the police they did trot;
For his mind was a'slumber,
As he dialed the wrong number,
And was arrested and busted and caught.

Shall we assume that Mr. Riordan consumes his own produce?

2002-07-16T11:51:00.000-07:00

Phone Sex

The women of Enron did it.

The men of Enron did it.

Now it's time for the women of WorldCom to do it.

It appears that Hugh Hefner is continuing with his come back with his follow-up to his pictures of the "Women of Enron" in July's Playboy magazine with an issue to feature pics of former WorldCom women as Playboy playmates.

WorldCom helped you to talk with your Palm,
That was until they dropped the big bomb;
Now their ladies so dear,
For whom we'll all cheer,
Will get naked for every Dick Bob and Tom.

Of course, accountants as they are - always desiring to have their share of the pie - the Women of WorldCom issue will also be featuring some pictures of the women of Arthur Andersen as well. The auditing firm Arthur Andersen, as you may recall, was convicted last month of obstruction of justice in the government's probe of the collapse of their former client, Enron.

There once was a firm that did books,
Until it was said that they cooks,
The books and the profit,
Nothing to scoff at,
So now they're convicted damn crooks.

Their ladies do you think that they fake it?
For in Playboy they're going to get naked;
It's all that they'll show,
Not like their audits, y'know;
For WorldCom's they're accused that they baked it.

Teresa Henessy, a Playboy spokes woman, said that Playboy may make the offer to employees of any future scandal ridden companies.

"Playboy is always after stories that are in synch with the news."

Playboy they know what sells;
Getting ladies who'll ring the bells,
Mixed in with scandal,
To light your candle,
So now Hef's wallet too swells.

What would happen if Playboy were the scandal ridden company? Would their women appear clothed?

Related Posts:

Celling Sex
Oiled And Greased
Lack of Communication

2002-07-15T15:41:00.000-07:00

The Idiot To Diet

I believe that I take fairly good care of myself. I exercise and, being a capable chef, I eat in a healthy manner. The latter, with the enjoyment that I take in eating good food, has made it that diets are not for me ...

Until now.

Dietician Bruno Fabbri, it has been reported has been studying the exercise value of sexual activities (why am I never asked to partake in these studies?). During his studies (extensive?) he has found that, for example, unclasping a bra with your mouth burns up an average of 87 calories whilst a 26-minute session of sex which ends with an orgasm will rid you of half a pizza (would that be with or without extra toppings?).

They say that dieting is always better when it's on a buddy system, I guess that this just goes to prove how accurate that is.

I finally know where it's all at,
To get a stomach that is so flat;
With a French kiss,
Or orgasmic bliss;
It's a diet to burn off the fat.

(See how good I was ... I didn't say a thing about drinking plenty of liquids.)

____________________________________
Don't forget to sponsor the Idiot today.

2002-07-15T14:14:00.000-07:00

The Idiot is Sponsored

And awayyyyyy we go!

Well, it has been a busy 24 hours with starting to drum up a few sponsors for the 2002 Blogathon, but I'm very please to announce our first two sponsors:

Many thanks to Michelle at Mandarin Design, Jo-Anne at Cosmic Cards and everyone in their organizations for their generosity.

If you'd like to sponsor the Idiot, click here and for further information pertaining to the event click here.

If you know someone who might be willing to sponsor the Idiot then contact them, hassle, nag, and bug them, be a general pain in the ass until you get them to do it - What better excuse do you have - it's for charity. Okay, don't really be a pain in the ass, but do ask them nicely.

There once were some ladies who gave,
To sponsor an Idiot, the knave;
But they gave from deep down,
To sponsor the clown;
So he'd rant in his limericks and rave.

Again, many thanks! :-)

Related Posts:

Blogathon 2002

2002-07-15T12:42:00.000-07:00

Man Bites Dog

You just knew that sooner or later it had to happen.

Newsday reported that in defense of his Siberian husky, Richard Robbins bit a pit bull, Dutch, in the head, filling his mouth with skin and fur.

The situation occurred in New York whilst Mr. Robbins, 44, was walking his dogs and the pit bull owned by Mary Graham of Huntington charged and attacked his pet, Gina Marie.

During the fight a second of Ms. Graham's pit bulls, Eve broke loose to help in the attack. A third pit bull, Sable, did not join in the mauling.

Why is it that people seem to believe that just because their pet it well behaved around them that the animal's natural instincts will not flash up upon meeting others of their species? Pit bulls can be wonderful pets, but one must keep a leash on them when out in public and that the collar and leash must be of such quality and strength so as to enable complete control of the animal at all times.

Mary Graham, though she may have been screaming, "I'm sorry" during the event, should not be permitted to own a pet of this nature if she is incapable of keeping it under control in any type of situation.

My hat off to Mr. Robbins, who received 37 puncture wounds and may reconstructive surgery, for his bravery in jumping into the fracas whilst the dog's owner could only stand there and whimper.

There once was a silly dip switch,
Whose dog it was loose, unhitched;
It was a hell hole,
As she lost control;
She should buy a fish, the dumb bitch.

Dutch, the pit bull, will be put to sleep.

2002-07-14T18:14:00.000-07:00

Blogathon 2002

... fastening the last buttons of my crisp white shirt before wrapping the sable cloak around my shoulders and placing a similarly coloured broad brimmed hat upon my combed hair. Taking a moment to glance at myself in the mirror before heading out into the lime-light, pondering that I appear more as a pimp than a preacher before dismissing the thought as there tends to be little that differs between the two.

Lights!

Camera!

Action!

Good readers, welcome once more to the House of the Idiot! A time for dyslexic musings that will render your senses into a noctambulistic daze.

But wait!

arms reaching up to the starry sky

All of you good Idiots out there, it is time for you to show your appreciation for those chuckles that have been brought to the backs of your throats (not to be confused with bile) and those deep yawns that have helped to take you into the land of slumbers.

hands waving in the air

I would like for you to reach deep into your pockets, brothers and sisters! Draw out the price of a package of cigarettes or the cost of a super-sized box of popcorn - Regardless of the amount, take it out of your pocket now and place it to the side for a cause that is worthy. Click here right now!

"What cause?" you ask?

You too may have this once in a (gnat's) life-time opportunity to sponsor your favourite cough cough Idiot in the 2002 Blogathon.

tossing my black hat and cloak to the side and then rolling up the sleeves of my shirt

All hype and bullshitting aside - The Blogathon organization now has over 200 participants with in excess of 1,000 sponsors who have pledged upwards of $30,000 thus far.

Yours truly will be participating and blogging away for the full 24 hours, with my caffeine IV already prepared. During the time I will write and publish a new limerick based on topical suggestions provided to me by e-mail and on the tagboard (if I find the time I may be setting up a special tagboard for the occasion).

You as a sponsor, now what do you receive? Other than the warm fuzzy feeling for your contribution, that is. Over the next couple of weeks prior to (as well as a yet unspecified period subsequent to) the event, I will place your 88x33 button in a prominent place upon this blog. Not only that, during that time I will be graciously thanking you within the blog for your generosity.

This year's proceeds for sponsors of the Grinning Idiot blog will be going to Doctors Without Borders.

So click here now and sponsor Grinning Idiot's Grin And Bare It today.

You know that you'll burn for your sins,
Much to everyone's chagrin;
So don't be a nut,
With your head up your butt;
Instead sponsor the Idiot who Grins.

This has been a Grinning Idiot public service announcement.

2002-07-14T17:39:00.000-07:00

Bad Habit

This seemed to be a fitting follow-up to yesterday's post regarding impersonations. I referred to female impersonators, male impersonators, and the fellow who had the balls to be a eunuch impersonator.

And today?

Today it about a man who dresses up like a nun.

And the bad puns have started already.

We want nun of that here.

It's a bad habit.

We'll have nun of those jokes here.

I know, I know ... I'm habitually punny.

Jokes aside (do you believe that?), is this some sort of English cross-dressing fetish that has its roots back in the days when they split from the Roman church?

Or someone whose fetish includes scenes from the Spanish Inquisition?

No, nothing as mundane and every day as such. According to the Sunday People, Shane Ryan wears a habit as he drives his car.

I can think of many articles of clothing that would be much more comfortable than wearing a habit in the car (not that I've ever worn a habit, mind you).

Shane Ryan does it to decrease road rage.

The man from Warwickshire, England became so frustrated with aggressive drivers that he commenced dressing as a nun whilst behind the wheel of a car.

Shane told the paper, "The habit's the answer to my prayers. I might look ridiculous but driving is bliss. Other motorists are so courteous when they spot me."

And then there's a man named Shane,
For whom driving was always a bane;
It's a habit he wears,
But not to say prayers;
It's his fetish to drive down the lane.

It's a good thing that he didn't dress up as a priest

2002-07-14T17:11:00.000-07:00

Ballsy Impersonator

Going back at least a couple of centuries you could find male impersonators such as vaudeville entertainer Annie Hindle.

One may go back through the millennia to find female impersonators, in anywhere from Shakespearean plays to the Greek tragedies.

But eunuch impersonators?

Yes, I realize that Merriam-Webster has a definition for political eunuchs and that Washington has its fill of such - But that's not what I'm referring to here.

This is about someone who decided to impersonate the ol' bye bye balls castrated infertile male type of eunuch.

Grimace

The Silliguri Barta newspaper in northern Bengal, India reported that a man was arrested for impersonating a eunuch, apparently having worked with a team of other similarly attired eunuch impersonators, the balance of whom escaped.

The ballsy eunuchs were apparently blessing children in exchange for money.

Would it be poetic justice if the police enabled him to fulfill his occupational desires with honesty?

The police in India were called,
By the eunuchs who weren't enthralled;
For if you looked closer,
You'd see a poser;
It was someone who wasn't de-balled.

For some reason I believe that there might be a lesson herein for the Catholic church.

This was originally published yesterday but due to an error in Blogger it didn't stay published. Let's see if it works this time.

2002-07-12T17:22:00.000-07:00

On the Scent of Terrorists

As the battle against World terrorism continues on the existing fronts we are now seeing the removal of basic freedoms in small communities as they attempt to combat new terrors.

Henri Dunoyer, the mayor of the exclusive resort town of La Grand-Motte in southern France, has taken it upon himself to ensure that terrors to the French sensibilities are not to be accepted and has passed a new law for the up-scale tourist trap.

And the law is:

Against smelly tourists.

Pardon moi?

Yes, not smelly terrorists - smelly tourists.

Indeed, the embattled French senses have resulted in the passing into law in La Grand-Motte enabling police to halt persons leaving the beach in swimwear to check their odour and those found to offend the police officers' olfactory senses will be required to cover up or they will face a fine.

As an offer of good-will, the town is handing out tourists to enable them to cover-up. All that they'll be missing is Pepe le piu's face upon the t-shirt.

Then there's the town in France,
Which has taken a very strong stance;
If you've got BO;
Cough up the dough,
Or cover up in the land of romance.

I wonder if they'll pass into legislation law requiring the women of France to shave their underarms as well.

Or is this a campaign to increase perfume sales?

2002-07-12T02:48:00.000-07:00

Future Ass

Had I tried to start a student study group in school to cover this subject they'd have suspended me. Hell, they'd have kicked me out and had me arrested.

Crystal balls and tarot cards slide on over and make room on the bench for butts.

Yep, I said "butts".

Big butts, small butts, flat butts and pear-shaped butts. You're sitting on your future.

Or so a blind German psychic believes.

39 year-old clairvoyant, Ulf Buck, claims that the backsides of people have lines like those on the palms of your hands which may be read in order to discern about a person's personality traits as well as their destiny.

According to Mr. Buck, by running his fingers along a number of lines (I'm not going to say a thing) of the person's backside, he is able to divine information pertaining to their family life, health, financial success and happiness.

The resident of Meldorf, Germany says, "An apple-shaped, muscular bottom indicates someone who is charismatic, dynamic, very confident and often creative. A person who enjoys life."

Well, your Grinning Idiot correspondent (yours truly) decided to test out the theory with a female colleague possessing such a bottom. Though I'm not certain about her future, I know that a person who uses this excuse in order to feel attractive women's bottoms is most certainly confident, creative and taking great enjoyment out of life.

As for my own future - I'll likely land in jail should I attempt that again.

There once was a psychic, Ulf Buck,
Who says he can discern your luck;
By the feel of your ass,
(What if you have gas?)
It sounds like proctological cluck.

Would this occupation be the butt of many jokes?

2002-07-11T13:53:00.000-07:00

Ludicrous Lutherans

The Reverend David H. Benke has been suspended as the president of the Atlantic District of the Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod (basically the equivalent of being the bishop of the New York metropolitan area).

His crime, you ask?

Another sex scandal rocking organized religion?

Nothing as trivial as such (at least in the Catholic church's judgment).

Reverend Benke has been accused of heresy.

Burn him! A witch! Burn him at the stake!

The good Pastor has, according the his conservative brethren, offended God, the Bible and all Christians, having dragged his religion down to the level of Islam.

When was this event supposed to have taken place?

In the aftermath of the September 11th attacks, for having partaken in an inter-faith service at Yankee Stadium.

What the fuck?!

Indeed. The Reverend Wallace Schulz ruled in favour of a group of 18 pastors who had brought the charges against Pastor Benke. Reverend Benke had shared the Yankee Stadium stage with Muslim, Sikh and Hindu holy men, violating the church ban on syncretism, not to mention that by appearing with Greek Orthodox, Roman Catholics and other Protestants he was guilty burn him! of unionism.

Goodness gracious me! People uniting, regardless of their beliefs, as one? Peace and unity?! We just can't have that.

Schulz was quoted in the New York Times as saying, "Such a confused public witness displays a lack of integrity." Schulz added to it by stating that in joining in prayer "with pagan clerics in Yankee Stadium was an offense both to God and to all Christians."

Mr. Schulz, it is you with your supremacy bullshit that I find and offense to all of humanity and you should take a closer look at your Bible, in particular Matthew 22:34-40

There once was a self righteous old ass,
Who was damned, it came to pass;
For a protest he did file,
Mein gott! Zeig Heil!
We can't be seen praying en masse.

Me, I don't give a damn what religion that you practice ... just don't be a hypocrite about it.

2002-07-11T12:21:00.000-07:00

Whacko Jacko

What's Mike up to now?

I may not agree with the manner in which the music industry conducts itself, in particular its narrow-mindedness pertaining to the likes of Napster, but Jacko as the spokesperson against this?

Or is it more likely that some intense contract negotiations are under way as Michael Jackson gets up on a pedestal to take a crack at record mogul Tommy Mottola, the recording industry and Sony Music in particular?

Perhaps it is that Jacko is afraid to face the facts that his latest album, "Invincible" was far from such despite an estimated $25 million in promotion.

Jacko, who is seldom found playing with his young friends outside of his Neverland Ranch in California, started his little rant over the weekend in Harlem, New York where he blasted away at Tommy Mottola, referring to him as "racist" and "devilish".

In the first volley Jackson faced a small gathering of 150 supports with the Reverend Al Sharpton at his side. Reverend Sharpton, who appeared surprised at the kiss that he received from Jacko, was later quoted as saying that he was, "taken aback and surprised" at the singer's bizarre, blistering attack.

During a rally (which Jackson did not permit people to record - frightened that his words might come back to haunt him?) Jacko stated, "I was called a freak, a homosexual, a child molester. That I bleach my skin. Everything to turn the public against me."

Now, each person possesses the right to undergo plastic surgery if it will make them more comfortable with whom they are - regardless of how bizarre it may make them appear.

Did Jackson molest the 13 year-old boy in the early 90's as he was accused of doing? Few people will know for certain. All that we know is that the law-suit was settled for a reported $15 million to $24 million.

Does Jacko bleach his skin? I have no clue (nor do I care) though it is most certainly a different tone than he was born with.

So Mike, are you bizarre looking? I'd say so, but that's up to him if he wishes to screw up his looks - you make your own decision.

You be the judge.

But recluse, Howard Hughes wanna be, Michael (Jacko) Jackson as the spokesperson for deprived recording artists? This coming from the person who owns the rights, amongst the 4000 titles owned, to the Beatles, Little Richard, and the Pointer Sisters through his ATV Music Publishing Company?

Jackson may be able to sing, but his Mickey Mouse-like voice stirring up tension with false statements such as Sammy Davis Jr. having died penniless due to the recording industry's unfair treatment of black artists despite Davis' attorney having said in 1990 that the "Rat Pack" member's estate was worth more than $6 million at the time of his death.

Perhaps this is true in Mike's eyes, that a paltry $6 million is penniless relative to his ATV Music Publishing which alone is estimated to be worth between $400 million and $1 billion. This excludes the value of his other investments including MJJ recording label as well as Michael's joint venture with Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal Bin Abdulaziz Alsaud of Saudi Arabia in which they formed Kingdom Entertainment.

There once was a singer called Jacko,
A bizarre looking pale young whacko;
He released Invincible,
And tried to convince us all;
That the fault is Mottola's, the draco.

2002-07-08T17:30:00.000-07:00

Winning Streak

Mark Roberts extended his winning streak at Wimbledon as he invaded the sacred turf during a break in the men's finals between Lleyton Hewitt and David Nalbandian to run naked over the grassy turf and jump over the net.

Mr. Roberts is a 37 year-old voyeuristic father of 3 who resides in Liverpool with over 150 streaking performances to his credit.

At Wimbledon Mr. Roberts ran naked,
The crowd was bored, for to wake it;
The ladies did sweat,
As he hopped the net;
Showing all who could see how to shake it.

Mark Roberts, welcome to Grinning Idiot's Grin And Bare It Club.

Related Links:

Grinning Idiot's Grin And Bare It Club
Honourary John
Ashcroft Certifiable

2002-07-08T14:54:00.000-07:00

Skanky Wanky

The New York Post, you love it or hate it for it really can be a rag at times, but they do have a sense of humour.

So it was with a chuckle that I read Linda Stasi's column in which she described the Skakel clan as the "Skanky Skakels".

"Why?", you ask?

Michael Skakel, in all of his masturbatory glory, you can understand his being dropped into a slot labeled so.

But the whole clan?

Apparently, Michael's dear brother Stephen has decided to commence an email campaign, pleading with the Kennedy relatives and other supporters (he has supporters?) that Michael is "scared," "humbled," and "hopeless." Not to mention that prison is lacking in trees.

In the email he has gone as far as admiring Michael for being a "mentor to my children".

Did he climb trees with them?

It's said that the Skakels are Skanky,
Could it be for the hanky panky?
Steve begs and pleas,
So Mike can climb trees;
And look into rooms and do wanky.

Related Links:

Masturbating Doesn't Get Skakel Off
Talk About a Jerk

2002-07-05T23:39:00.000-07:00

Political Tail

"It could only be a joke", I mused as I viewed the article about the dog in Florida that is running for Congress against Secretary of State Katherine Harris.

My first thought was that one of Bill Clinton's interns had finally entered into to the political arena - or that Janet Reno had announced herself as a candidate but, alas, Percy the border-collie/German Shepard cross is running against Ms. Harris in the Republican primary.

This campaign appears to be reaching beyond the normal mud slinging as our news crew captured this image of one of Percy's supporters as he interfered with Katherine Harris as she went door to door visiting her constituents.

Even though one of Percy's slogans is, "Never made a mess in the House! Never will!", will he be able to keep a leash on his advisors?

A bright point is that should Percy ever make it to the White House, he wouldn't be humping as many legs as some of the past presidents did.

They say that it has gone to the dogs,
I thought that it was more the hogs;
That barreled the pork,
As they pull out the cork;
Leaving the citizens all in a fog.

Let's see if Percy can do it.

"PERCY! Putting the LICK back into Republican."

2002-07-04T18:04:00.000-07:00

Idiots Galore

As I glanced through the usual headlines concerning the WorldCom scandal, Martha Stewart's problems and the latest in the world of terrorism I was struck by the lack of levity (at least as my twisted grey cells might interpret such) in the news as of late. Instead, it appears that it's the idiots that are to be featured.

We have the woman, Tarajee Maynor of Detroit who, whilst in Southfield, Michigan did the microwave job on her kids with her car - and some people wonder why others believe that the justice system should consider sterilization as a punishment.

There once was a lady in Southfield,
Whom into her car the kids she sealed;
The heat was on high,
For to cook and to die;
A moron with stupidity so unconcealed.

Let's travel south into the State of Florida and meet Bob and Tracy Armstrong.

The Armstrongs, in seems, lack imagination. Each having a child from a previous marriage they were not able to come up with a name for their new baby due in February so, they've decided to put it up for auction.

The name, that is.

Yes, you can go to Ebay and, for the next 8 and one half days, place your bid in order to have the (dubious) honour of naming their child. Bidding has already reached $350.

Can't you hear the conversation that the child will be having with his parents 10 years from now?

Zsaret: "Dad, who was I named after?"

Dad: "Well, son - Your mother and I weren't very original and didn't want to put too much time and effort into naming you so we sold the right to the highest bidder in an auction."

Zsaret: "Oh. How much did you get?"

Dad: "Your name is worth $8.75, son."

At least the kid can feel good that they didn't put him up for sale too.

The Armstrongs, in a class all alone,
For name of their kid to be known;
Just pay a few bucks,
Those silly dumb fucks;
Have heads in the shape of a cone.

2002-07-03T15:28:00.000-07:00

Martha Stewart Simmers

As for dear Martha Stewart, we're all going to become bored quite rapidly with the cooking analogies that the news services will be utilizing with respect to the insider trading scandal and SEC investigation that is surrounding the lifestyle queen at the moment.

I can't blame her for canceling her appearance tomorrow on the CBS Early Show. She cooks and makes little doilies, do you expect her to change the whole format of her performance for to justify and defend herself in the face of the SEC allegations just so that CBS can boost their ratings a little? Let her go onto Larry King if she wishes to do that, not when she's supposed to be telling people how to make a pretentious 4th of July barbeque.

Don't get me wrong, I still find her annoying, but this is starting to sound like a bit of a witch hunt (so to speak). Still, I'd have had more respect for her had she stood up for herself on national television and told them to stuff it up their eggplants. Then again, I don't know if I could live with myself if I had to say that I respected Martha Stewart in the morning.

For Martha it's getting a bit hot,
She's steaming in her very own pot;
It's not a big deal,
Let her cook her meal;
Before blindfolding her for to be shot.

Related Links:

K-Mart Pulls Martha's Pot

2002-07-03T13:40:00.000-07:00

Italian Idiot

As usual, there appears to be an abundance of people who are desirous of stealing my Idiot title from me, but a robber in Bruno d'Asti, Italy seems all too adamant on taking away my crown.

After robbing a post office of $4,500 the 45 year old immediately returned to the scene of the crime, banging on the doors for to let him enter.

He had forgotten his car keys on the till.

There once was a robber in d'Asti,
Who didn't think very fast; he,
Returned to the scene,
For his keys, old bean;
And now into jail they'll cast he.

The police were called and immediately placed the thief under arrest.

Related Links:

Ted Takes Title

2002-07-02T15:53:00.000-07:00

Shitty Art

Piero Manzoni will be rolling with laughter in his grave, the howls of which will resound throughout the art world, not to mention the commentaries that will be provided by the English taxpayers as to how London's Tate Gallery has managed to spend GBP 22,300 (approximately US $35,000) on a can of shit.

No, I haven't turned into an art critic for to judge the work of some monkeys swiping their paint dipped tails upon a canvas - though such might be better than the Tate Gallery's latest purchase of Manzoni's as reported in the The Sun.

The piece of work (Is this to be a new euphuism for the bathroom? The "work room" instead of the "reading room"?), sold at Sotheby's auction house, was literally a sealed tin containing 35 grams of the artist Piero Manzoni's feces.

The greatest irony is that Manzoni was quoted as saying, "I should like all artists to sell their fingerprints, or else stage competitions to see who can draw the longest line or sell their shit in tins. If collectors really want something intimate, really personal to the artist, there's the artist's own shit. That is really his."

Of the original 90 tins that were sealed according to industrial standards and then circulated to various museums around the world, 45 of them have exploded exactly as Manzoni had hoped, "I hope these cans explode in the vitrines of the collectors."

Now if for art you're a sap,
Go to the Tate for some crap;
Manzoni's art wins,
It's shit in some tins;
You'd think there'd be quite a flap.

You think there'll be a big splash?
Not really, it's the Brits' tax cash;
But they won't moan or bitch,
Maybe their noses will twitch;
Before off to the Tate's new cache.

It is interesting how, the more that one reads and researches, the closer one comes to answering ones own questions. Judging by the Tate Gallery's latest purchase I have now discerned as to whom it might that frequents, not to mention submits to, the Site mentioned in my previous Shit to Rant About, commentary.

Hmmm ... Could this be a statement regarding Tony Blair's government?

2002-07-01T20:27:00.000-07:00

Shanley's Sodom

According the a recent Vanity Fair article covered recently in the New York Post, Reverend Paul Shanley, the Catholic priest of the Boston Archdiocese who was arrested earlier this year for sex with an underage boy, was an insatiable satyr who wanted sex two or three times a day at the "Sodom and Gomorrah" that he recreated in Palm Springs, California.

There once was an evil old priest,
Of whose crimes amazement unceased;
With the church money,
He'd screw like a bunny,
All that wasn't deceased.

What about the gay old Shanley?
He preferred them young, not manly;
His soul seems lost,
For that's the cost,
But in Hell you'll be nice and tanly.

Related Articles

Go-Go Rectory
The World is Flat
Sign of the Times
Fuzzy (Catholic) Logic
Boston Tea Party

2002-06-30T17:19:00.000-07:00

Sex in Georgia

Let's check out the facts here.

The girl was old enough under Georgia law to engage in consensual sex.

The boy was old enough under Georgia law to engage in consensual sex.

But wait, everyone ... the girl's probation officer, upon hearing about her little tryst, decided to press charges under the State's archaic fornication statute and both of the teenagers were found guilty with the girl being sent to boot camp and the boy was ordered to pay a fine and write an essay.

What, you ask, is this wonderful statute under which they were prosecuted?

In the State of Georgia it is illegal to engage in sexual intercourse if you are not married, the penalty being up to 12 months in jail and a $1,000 fine. How many times was President Clinton fined when he visited Georgia? With there being over 145,000 couples living out of wedlock in the State of Georgia it might be an innovative manner in which to bring more funds into the State's coffers.

I'm curious as to what Gwinnett County District Attorney Danny Porter might have meant when he stated, "But the state does have a legitimate interest in trying to control the sexual activity of juveniles."? These juveniles were not breaking any laws pertaining to a sexual act by a minor. If Porter is looking to attempt to rewrite the laws so that it would be illegal for a 16 year-old to engage in sex, that's one thing - but have it passed by the State legislative bodies as required by law - Don't try to make up your own sex laws or to utilize out dated statutes because it's something that you believe in, regardless of the law. Get with the program, Porter and don't attempt to be an Ashcroft wanna be.

It seems that county DA, Danny,
Has something stuck up his big fanny;
When kids he'll convict,
With old laws that constrict;
It's like Ashcroft so much it's uncanny.

Will they be prosecuting any of the Catholic priests under this statute?

2002-06-29T22:01:00.000-07:00

What Would Jesus Do?

Mr. Todd Warren, a nuclear pharmacist by trade and a Sunday school teacher for the Prairie Oak Community Church in Andover, Minnesota, had some strange ideas when it came to helping one of his students practice his penmanship.

It seems that this esteemed Sunday school teacher decided to advise one of his students to write: ... keeping a straight face ... "What would Jesus do?" on his penis.

There once was an apostle, Dick,
Whom Todd said to write on his prick,
What Jesus would do?
(Get a lawyer and sue)
And then up Todd's ass with a brick.

Todd, I hope that they keep it nice and toasty for you in Hell.

2002-06-28T14:52:00.000-07:00

K-Mart Pulls Martha's Pot

It hasn't been a very good past few days for the life-style queen, Martha Stewart. First the insider trading scandal and now, while Martha was tossing her salad on ABC the other morning, the following announcement was being prepared:

Attention K-Mart shoppers, you will no longer be able to purchase Martha Stewart's "potpourri simmering pots" under the blue light any longer.

Apparently Martha's pot is dangerous to your health.

How bad can things be for someone when K-Mart pulls your product?

There once was a woman who made doily,
Who traded her stocks so coyly;
As she played with her crisper,
She heard a quiet whisper,
From an insider who was quite oily.

Oops, now K-Mart has pulled the plug;
It's just one more tug on the rug,
That's under her feet,
As she feels the heat;
But she's still in her kitchen so smug.

A person who is a skeptical cynic might be inclined to believe that the SEC is on another witch hunt and that K-Mart is attempting to take advantage of the situation by drumming up a little publicity.

2002-06-27T13:32:00.000-07:00

Heaven's Delight

I was reviewing a few of the older articles pertaining to the Catholic church and the policies that they've implemented (digression: A good first step and it will be for to wait and see how the head Pooh-Bah in Rome handles the situation, not to mention how they're going actually enforce the policies) within their organization and I stumbled (I do that all too frequently) across these:

A priest gets defrocked; does a hooker get unscrewed?

A priest gets defrocked; does an altar boy get delighted?

Related Articles:

The World is Flat
Sign of the Times
Fuzzy (Catholic) Logic
Boston Tea Party

2002-06-27T10:42:00.000-07:00

AntiDrug

I'll admit that I do admire the originality involved with this smuggling operation, even if I do disagree with the cause.

Peruvian police stated that criminals coated 5,000 giant Amazonian ants with opium latex which they intercepted on its way to the German market.

There once were some ants from Peru,
Covered with latex, the police did construe,
That the latex was drugs,
Over the six legged bugs;
With which with your mind for to screw.

Making a note not to try chocolate covered ants again.

2002-06-26T16:17:00.000-07:00

Lack of Communication

We all know that the fit will hit the shan (can you say that 5 times fast?) with the WorldCom fuck up. It was one thing for my ex girl friend to tell me that she spent a little more than she told me that she would. We're talking about a slight mis-statement to the tune of nearly 4 billion dollars (and that's not even Canadian dollars).

These guys must have had their solar panels pointed at the moon or was there a flurry of late expense reimbursements submitted?

It may be that Ebbner learned to how to milk something as well as the ability to skim (milk, that is) in his former trade

We all know it's going to be hit,
And the SEC will have a big fit;
With WorldCom's big mess,
Who will confess,
And clean the fan covered with shit?

Oh yes, lest we forget ... guess who WorldCom's (now former) accountants were at the time that the allegations transpired?

2002-06-25T14:53:00.000-07:00

Garbage Junket

Those of a more cynical ilk might be inclined to believe that the New York politicians wishing to investigate the merits of the city sending their garbage to a, as of yet unnamed, Caribbean country are more interested in going off on a fact finding mission on some warm white sands.

The politicians of City New York,
Want another crack at the pork-
Barrel of cash,
For a holiday bash;
The taxpayers they're gonna torque.

Besides, they've got New Jersey right there.

2002-06-24T17:38:00.000-07:00

Cream Ma'am?

Oh man. This dude has some serious problems. A major control freak or a whacked out coffee fetish?

And he's challenging his dismissal from work? Ha!

Mr. Castle, he likes his coffee,
But he's sick as Muammar Gaddfi;
For into the drink,
He'd dip his dink,
And pull it like soft water toffee.

I'll just enjoy my tea.

2002-06-23T19:25:00.000-07:00

Go-Go Rectory

When does it stop? I don't give a damn about him being gay - that's his choice. It's the hypocrisy of the Catholic church and the manner in which they have covered up situations similar to this.

The pastor allegedly cough - bullshit - cough subjected various persons, including the principal of the Catholic school in his parish, to vulgar sexual remarks, handing out gay pornography and leading a person to gay leather bars under false pretenses.

The priest, who lived with a male go-go dancer, (once again, allegedly) also pilfered money from the church (don't you love knowing that when your donations aren't going to pay off people in lawsuits that it could be pilfered by priests instead?).

What's up with ol' Reverend John?
Looks like he has no collar on;
Taking money from schools,
Dating go-go fools;
Could it be he's a perv and con?

2002-06-22T10:42:00.000-07:00

Siblings?

Whilst perusing the Silly Jokes Website I came upon the image to the left.

Having been a fan of Jay Leno for many years it was a double take that I had to do when I saw the mask of Camilla Parker Bowles.

Or does Jay drag more than his cars when he's out of the country?

2002-06-21T15:30:00.000-07:00

Depressing

It was questionable whether or not I might be commenting on this article in the International Academy of Sex Research, knowing the negative manner in which it will be used by the likes of Freddie Phelps. Then again, it requires addressing as, superficially at least, there appear to be certain questions, if not fallacies, pertaining to their research (Note: I say this not having reviewed their research in detail) - well, that and not being able to resist teasing a couple of friends ... waving to K and S

Is the non-utilization of condoms more consistent with a stable relationship (or inferring only one sexual partner) thus providing a more positive environment less conducive to depression?

Were different types of condoms used so as to compare the effects of latex, lubricants and other potential chemical compounds on the subjects?

Who (or what organization) provided the funding for the research? The Institution?

Were all of the subjects within the exact same environment, including diet, exercise, age and location?

Was a detailed personality analysis conducted prior to the experiment?

Was a chemical analysis conducted on all of the semen samples to ensure that they were exact in their content and that the content was not subject to diet or other environmental matters?

Assuming that the research is completely accurate, alternative treatment? You'll end up seeing every male in the room raise their hand when you hear over the PA system, "Is there a doctor in the house?"

Was there a correlation between the woman not reaching an orgasm and depression?

Was the study conducted only with women as the subjects or were the results (assuming) valid for males as well?

There are likely several points and questions that those more knowledgeable in the field are capable of bringing to light - and I'm not discounting the validity of the results, only that there are, at least superficially if not significant, inherent dangers in aspects of what they have published.

Will oral administration suffice?

Why wasn't I invited to help administer the, um ... tests?

If you're depressed take semen,
To rid you of your down demon;
So if you're stuck,
Just moan and buck,
You won't be depressed, just screamin'.

Question: Is this the cure for depression that Shanley was administering?

2002-06-21T13:02:00.000-07:00

The World is Flat

It must be my age and that I'm not keeping up with the latest developments that they're teaching in the schools, either that or Mr.Sungenis of Catholic Apologetics International was playing hooky from science class.

This group of Catholics is offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who can prove, scientifically, that the Earth does indeed revolve around the sun.

By way of proof they mean "that your explanations must be direct, observable, physical, natural, repeatable, unambiguous and comprehensive. We don't want hearsay, popular opinion, "expert" testimony, majority vote, personal conviction, organizational rulings, superficial analogies, appeals to "simplicity," "apologies" to Galileo, or any other indirect means of persuasion which do not qualify as scientific proof"

Errr ... and the Bible is?

Around the Earth or so they say,
The sun revolves each sunny day;
They believe in blissdom,
From lack of wisdom,
And seven reindeer drawing a sleigh.

Denial can be so amusing.

2002-06-21T10:56:00.000-07:00

Golf Pros

Now how many would have taken up golf earlier if they had the golf pros from a recent tournament held at the Hidden Valley Golf Club in Norco, California?

The LA Times stated that a restaurant in Los Angeles booked the course in the name of Golf Ventures and held an event in which 100 competitors and 15 women participated.

There was a slight wrinkle (so to speak) in this event. Several tents were pitched in which, allegedly, the golfers were able to pay the women in order to receive sexual services.

They went to develop their swing,
To whack their balls for to zing;
Not a slice but a hook,
In the tents, they shook;
Now from jail they all must spring.

I wonder what par for the course would be?

2002-06-20T09:50:00.000-07:00

Ted Takes Title

Oh well, it appears as though I shall have to relinquish my "Head Idiot" crown to Mr. Turner for his recent comments

"Really, Jane ... It's THIS big!"

Can one but shake their head,
When hearing what spews from Ted;
He gets the blues,
When not in the news;
And needs his ego to be fed.

2002-06-19T12:57:00.000-07:00

Foot Soldier

Raymond, what in the hell were you thinking? Okay, we know what you were thinking - or what you were thinking with, at least - but in a Supermarket?

Mr. Dublin, it was reported, was arrested late last week after turning himself in to police in Woonsocket for allegedly licking the feet of two women shoppers at a supermarket.

Mr. Dublin it seems likes feet,
Which he licks, but does he beat?
It is his fetish,
Does he like them sweatish?
You'd think he'd be more discrete.

Might this be the result of having watched too many KFC commercials?

2002-06-18T19:45:00.000-07:00

Sexy Taxi

It was while driving down the highway that I heard about the new taxi service that an entrepreneurial young Swede has started to provide in Warsaw.

According to the news, the 26 year old artist is now receiving bookings weeks in advance - bookings for couples who will receive a free ride in the back of the bright pink London cab whilst they engage in sex.

Hop in the back of the taxi you may,
To bop and to bump, a roll in the hay;
For this you get a real free ride,
As the people up front have peeked and spied;
So if you're too cheap to get her a room,
Know on the Net that your pic 'll soon loom.

What will the tipping policy be?

2002-06-18T16:17:00.000-07:00

Now I Know Why

Whilst John Ringo at the NY Post seems to be ready to take wagers on the US invading Iraq before Christmas, it has finally gotten through this thick idiotic skull why his name is Sad-man Hussein: