One Sick Aussie Puppy

In the Sick Puppy department we now have our latest entry, Craig Hilton Bell, 43, a bank loans manager in Brisbane, Australia.

Craig Bell enjoyed going to female doctors and telling them that he had been kicked in the groin (or other similar ailment) so that the doctor would examine his scrotum and penis and, upon being requested to drop his pants he would quite obviously not be lacking with respect to the functionality of his genitilia (no, he wouldn't be requiring a prescription to Viagra).

The court, quite aptly, described Bell as being a "sad sexual misfit" and convicted him of 24 counts of sexual assault.

Come on, Craig - if you have a fetish make certain that whomever you're getting off with is consenting to it.


A fetish for doctors had he,
When he went is was with great glee;
He'd tell them a lie,
Thinking he's sly;
Now he must get therapy.

Yes Bell he is a sick pup,
He'd say he had pain as he'd cup,
His balls with his hands,
As his manhood expands;
The dude has really cracked up.


I hope that the only doctors that Craig Bell will be seeing for awhile are therapists.

Thanks

The dawn it has come so now it is time,
To pack it all in and cease with the rhyme;
I give to you all my thanks and a bow,
As my head hits my pillow, right away, right now.


Thanks everyone, it has been fun!

'Twas the Night of the Blogathon

This will have to be the start of something for next year (next year?!)

'Twas the night of the blogathon and all 'cross the land
Every blogger was scurrying, to write on demand;
The keyboards were clattering away and aware,
In hopes that some publisher would read what we share;

The bloggers were all nestled all snug at their desks,
Ignoring spouses and children and other small pesks;
And I with my quill, bad prose for to write,
We'd all hunkered in for to scribe through the night.

When out on the street there arose such a noise,
I jumped up from my desk, lacking all poise;
Away down the hall, and into the foyer,
Ripping open the door, praying it wasn't a lawyer.

The lamps up high above the glistening pavement,
Gave the lustre of mid-day around our enslavement;
When, what to my blood shot eyes should I see,
But Hunter S. Thompson, taking a pee.

Drawing his name, all yellow in snow,
I heard for some minutes the sound of the flow;

Public Whores

No, the New York Stock Exchange is not revising it's existing policy and becoming a public traded company.

Australia's largest brothel, the Daily Planet, has lifted its corporate skirts and bared all of the facts so as to try to become a public entity traded on the Australian Stock Exchange within the next 6 to 12 months.

If they succeed, and with the demise of Enron, they'll be the only listed bordello in the world.

It may just give new meaning to the "Dog and Pony" shows that the stock promoters do on behalf of their public clients.


In Oz they've got the Planet,
Where you'll find both Gina and Janet;
They're public going, whores,
Their stock could be yours,
Will it be only the investment that's granite?


Is this one company that one would want to plunge or rise?

Princeton Hacks Yale

Well, Princeton's admissions Director has, according to CNN, finally admitted to having hacked into Yale's computers. Dumb bugger. hehe


Princeton they went to attack,
Yale so there they did hack,
Into their computer,
As they tried to loot her;
To get all their records, the smack.

Priest's Porn Hidden

Upon first glance at the headline I wondered if the priest had been naughty so Cardinal Bernard Law hid his dirty pornography magazines from him.

It wasn't quite the case and it wasn't Cardinal Bernard Law who is involved (at least Law's name wasn't mentioned in the article) but his former aide, Roman Catholic Bishop John B. McCormack who is the brunt of a priest's lawsuit.

The Catholic priest, Reverend James A. MacCormack sued the Diocese of Manchester because they allegedly ruined his career due to a cover-up (during which the pornography was hidden) of the death of Reverend Richard Connors, who had died of a heart attack.

A heart attack?

I'll bet that he had one.

The lawsuit and police records state that the Catholic priest Connors was, at the time of his death, found partially clothed and had a black leather device tied around his genitals.

"Honestly officer, those are special rosary beads that we priests wear."


Bernie's boys are once more in the news,
What is it they do in their pews?
Their balls in black leather,
To hit with a feather?
Oh the Pope how he's singin' the blues.


Authorities were told that the priest Connors had come to the house to buy a dog.

Shakespeare Horny for Nicole Kidman

Michael Boyd, the new head of the Royal Shakespeare Company in England, has described the Bard's work as "horny" and hope to persuade Nicole Kidman to appear in one of their productions.


Shakespeare, the play for the horny,
Who'd thought the Bard to be porny;
So Kidman they want,
The audience to taunt;
To me it just sounds kind of corny.


I believe that Mr. Boyd has been watching too many Austin Powers movies.

Last Leg

This police chase ended with the suspect being down to his last leg ... as his prosthetic leg which came off. Detective Mike Lang said that it "Decreased his mobility." A smart lad that Detective Lang.


There once was a thief with one leg,
In its place was naught but a peg;
The cop chased him round town,
Till he ran him right down,
The cop was a tough boiled egg.

Running Naked

A male nude jogger? Not a streaker such as Mr. Mark Roberts, but Mr. Steven J. Claiborne of Meriden, Idaho decided to go for a run in Burlington with nothing but his running shoes on.

According to Sgt. Michael McDade, as quoted in the Lowell Sun, "He just stated he was going for a jog and that was all he wanted to say on the matter. He parked his car on Mall Road and left his clothes in his vehicle."

You'd think that he'd stick out in public like that.

get your minds out of the gutter

I guess that you'd have to be extra careful not to run on your balls.

of your feet, of course

This is a man who is just going to have to grin and bare it as he becomes the butt of many a joke, even after they make adjustments to his medication.


Steven, the really cool dude,
Who likes to run in the nude;
By the cops he was busted,
Into jail was thrusted,
By Ashcroft was covered, the prude.


Of course, it may be that he was just looking to become a member of GABI


Related Links:

Winning Streak
Grinning Idiot's Grin And Bare It Club
Honourary John
Ashcroft Certifiable

Rather Be Yoda

In an update to the He's Rather Paranoid, our roving photographer managed to capture this exclusive shot.





Dan 's seated a top the pagoda,
Sipping his warm diet soda;
But he's getting quite old,
If I may be so bold,
He's looking a bit like dear Yoda.

One Girl Getting You Laid

I laughed. Okay, I'm tired, but I still laughed and laughed at One Girl Talking's cheesy pick-up lines.


The girl she was getting you laid,
So don't you feel at all afraid;
She wrote out the lines,
Your pick-up signs;
You use 'em you'll likely get flayed.

Famous Idiot Quotes

Descartes: I think therefore I am.

Dubya: Dick Cheney thinks therefore I am.

Will Rogers: A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.

John Ashcroft: A difference of opinion is what makes you under arrest.

Bertrand Russell: Do not fear to be eccentric in opinion, for every opinion now accepted was once eccentric.

Dick Cheney: When I want your opinion I'll ask for it.

Will Rogers: Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Al Gore: Bill, you just stay right there on that track.

Frozen Schmucks

How lazy does Smuckers think everyone is? (Okay, so they know how lazy most people are.) They've now come out with a new frozen peanut butter and jam sandwich that you can take out of the freezer in the morning, pop it into your child's lunch bag and it'll be defrosted by lunch time.

MMmm ... mmmm ... soggy sandwich for lunch.


Smuckers makes a sandwich that's frozen,
I don't think you'd call it ambrosian;
When it thaws, all soggy,
Won't it taste kinda woggy?
It's not the lunch I would have chosen.