Political Tail

"It could only be a joke", I mused as I viewed the article about the dog in Florida that is running for Congress against Secretary of State Katherine Harris.

My first thought was that one of Bill Clinton's interns had finally entered into to the political arena - or that Janet Reno had announced herself as a candidate but, alas, Percy the border-collie/German Shepard cross is running against Ms. Harris in the Republican primary.





This campaign appears to be reaching beyond the normal mud slinging as our news crew captured this image of one of Percy's supporters as he interfered with Katherine Harris as she went door to door visiting her constituents.


Even though one of Percy's slogans is, "Never made a mess in the House! Never will!", will he be able to keep a leash on his advisors?

A bright point is that should Percy ever make it to the White House, he wouldn't be humping as many legs as some of the past presidents did.


They say that it has gone to the dogs,
I thought that it was more the hogs;
That barreled the pork,
As they pull out the cork;
Leaving the citizens all in a fog.


Let's see if Percy can do it.

"PERCY! Putting the LICK back into Republican."

Idiots Galore

As I glanced through the usual headlines concerning the WorldCom scandal, Martha Stewart's problems and the latest in the world of terrorism I was struck by the lack of levity (at least as my twisted grey cells might interpret such) in the news as of late. Instead, it appears that it's the idiots that are to be featured.

We have the woman, Tarajee Maynor of Detroit who, whilst in Southfield, Michigan did the microwave job on her kids with her car - and some people wonder why others believe that the justice system should consider sterilization as a punishment.

There once was a lady in Southfield,
Whom into her car the kids she sealed;
The heat was on high,
For to cook and to die;
A moron with stupidity so unconcealed.


Let's travel south into the State of Florida and meet Bob and Tracy Armstrong.

The Armstrongs, in seems, lack imagination. Each having a child from a previous marriage they were not able to come up with a name for their new baby due in February so, they've decided to put it up for auction.

The name, that is.

Yes, you can go to Ebay and, for the next 8 and one half days, place your bid in order to have the (dubious) honour of naming their child. Bidding has already reached $350.

Can't you hear the conversation that the child will be having with his parents 10 years from now?

Zsaret: "Dad, who was I named after?"

Dad: "Well, son - Your mother and I weren't very original and didn't want to put too much time and effort into naming you so we sold the right to the highest bidder in an auction."

Zsaret: "Oh. How much did you get?"

Dad: "Your name is worth $8.75, son."

At least the kid can feel good that they didn't put him up for sale too.


The Armstrongs, in a class all alone,
For name of their kid to be known;
Just pay a few bucks,
Those silly dumb fucks;
Have heads in the shape of a cone.

Martha Stewart Simmers

As for dear Martha Stewart, we're all going to become bored quite rapidly with the cooking analogies that the news services will be utilizing with respect to the insider trading scandal and SEC investigation that is surrounding the lifestyle queen at the moment.

I can't blame her for canceling her appearance tomorrow on the CBS Early Show. She cooks and makes little doilies, do you expect her to change the whole format of her performance for to justify and defend herself in the face of the SEC allegations just so that CBS can boost their ratings a little? Let her go onto Larry King if she wishes to do that, not when she's supposed to be telling people how to make a pretentious 4th of July barbeque.

Don't get me wrong, I still find her annoying, but this is starting to sound like a bit of a witch hunt (so to speak). Still, I'd have had more respect for her had she stood up for herself on national television and told them to stuff it up their eggplants. Then again, I don't know if I could live with myself if I had to say that I respected Martha Stewart in the morning.


For Martha it's getting a bit hot,
She's steaming in her very own pot;
It's not a big deal,
Let her cook her meal;
Before blindfolding her for to be shot.


Related Links:

K-Mart Pulls Martha's Pot

Italian Idiot

As usual, there appears to be an abundance of people who are desirous of stealing my Idiot title from me, but a robber in Bruno d'Asti, Italy seems all too adamant on taking away my crown.

After robbing a post office of $4,500 the 45 year old immediately returned to the scene of the crime, banging on the doors for to let him enter.

He had forgotten his car keys on the till.


There once was a robber in d'Asti,
Who didn't think very fast; he,
Returned to the scene,
For his keys, old bean;
And now into jail they'll cast he.


The police were called and immediately placed the thief under arrest.


Related Links:

Ted Takes Title

Shitty Art

Piero Manzoni will be rolling with laughter in his grave, the howls of which will resound throughout the art world, not to mention the commentaries that will be provided by the English taxpayers as to how London's Tate Gallery has managed to spend GBP 22,300 (approximately US $35,000) on a can of shit.

No, I haven't turned into an art critic for to judge the work of some monkeys swiping their paint dipped tails upon a canvas - though such might be better than the Tate Gallery's latest purchase of Manzoni's as reported in the The Sun.

The piece of work (Is this to be a new euphuism for the bathroom? The "work room" instead of the "reading room"?), sold at Sotheby's auction house, was literally a sealed tin containing 35 grams of the artist Piero Manzoni's feces.




The greatest irony is that Manzoni was quoted as saying, "I should like all artists to sell their fingerprints, or else stage competitions to see who can draw the longest line or sell their shit in tins. If collectors really want something intimate, really personal to the artist, there's the artist's own shit. That is really his."

Of the original 90 tins that were sealed according to industrial standards and then circulated to various museums around the world, 45 of them have exploded exactly as Manzoni had hoped, "I hope these cans explode in the vitrines of the collectors."


Now if for art you're a sap,
Go to the Tate for some crap;
Manzoni's art wins,
It's shit in some tins;
You'd think there'd be quite a flap.

You think there'll be a big splash?
Not really, it's the Brits' tax cash;
But they won't moan or bitch,
Maybe their noses will twitch;
Before off to the Tate's new cache.


It is interesting how, the more that one reads and researches, the closer one comes to answering ones own questions. Judging by the Tate Gallery's latest purchase I have now discerned as to whom it might that frequents, not to mention submits to, the Site mentioned in my previous Shit to Rant About, commentary.

Hmmm ... Could this be a statement regarding Tony Blair's government?

Shanley's Sodom

According the a recent Vanity Fair article covered recently in the New York Post, Reverend Paul Shanley, the Catholic priest of the Boston Archdiocese who was arrested earlier this year for sex with an underage boy, was an insatiable satyr who wanted sex two or three times a day at the "Sodom and Gomorrah" that he recreated in Palm Springs, California.


There once was an evil old priest,
Of whose crimes amazement unceased;
With the church money,
He'd screw like a bunny,
All that wasn't deceased.

What about the gay old Shanley?
He preferred them young, not manly;
His soul seems lost,
For that's the cost,
But in Hell you'll be nice and tanly.


Related Articles

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The World is Flat
Sign of the Times
Fuzzy (Catholic) Logic
Boston Tea Party

Sex in Georgia

Let's check out the facts here.

The girl was old enough under Georgia law to engage in consensual sex.

The boy was old enough under Georgia law to engage in consensual sex.

But wait, everyone ... the girl's probation officer, upon hearing about her little tryst, decided to press charges under the State's archaic fornication statute and both of the teenagers were found guilty with the girl being sent to boot camp and the boy was ordered to pay a fine and write an essay.

What, you ask, is this wonderful statute under which they were prosecuted?

In the State of Georgia it is illegal to engage in sexual intercourse if you are not married, the penalty being up to 12 months in jail and a $1,000 fine. How many times was President Clinton fined when he visited Georgia? With there being over 145,000 couples living out of wedlock in the State of Georgia it might be an innovative manner in which to bring more funds into the State's coffers.

I'm curious as to what Gwinnett County District Attorney Danny Porter might have meant when he stated, "But the state does have a legitimate interest in trying to control the sexual activity of juveniles."? These juveniles were not breaking any laws pertaining to a sexual act by a minor. If Porter is looking to attempt to rewrite the laws so that it would be illegal for a 16 year-old to engage in sex, that's one thing - but have it passed by the State legislative bodies as required by law - Don't try to make up your own sex laws or to utilize out dated statutes because it's something that you believe in, regardless of the law. Get with the program, Porter and don't attempt to be an Ashcroft wanna be.


It seems that county DA, Danny,
Has something stuck up his big fanny;
When kids he'll convict,
With old laws that constrict;
It's like Ashcroft so much it's uncanny.


Will they be prosecuting any of the Catholic priests under this statute?