Idiot Lawyers

You should have noticed by now (unless you're not only an idiot, but blind) that a limerick is usually featured with each trivial tidbit of fodder provided herein for your grey matter. Sometimes it is in order to lighten the mood, or to see the humorous side of an event (How can one not find humour in the likes of Fred Homophobic Phelps or Bernie Law?). And, admittedly, on occasion it is to get you riled up so that, perhaps, you'll actually go out and do something about it - Not that I'm holding my breath since most of you will just shake your head before heading off to see if Friends has started yet..

This posting manages to speak for itself. It's from another Website with a section on Idiot Lawyer Stories. Each story on the Site is allegedly taken verbatim from court transcripts.

Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

Doctor: No.

Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?

Doctor: No.

Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?

Doctor: No.

Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

Doctor: No.

Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

Doctor: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

Doctor: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

FBI CYA

The FBI to watch America's Backside



Don't worry about all of your rights,
As long as you can sleep at nights;
With an eye on your ass,
Or even at mass,
Intrusion has taken new heights.

McTacky

Las Vegas may be in the process of being ousted as the place in which to hold your tacky wedding - at least in so far as tacky wedding receptions are concerned.

The Evening Chronicle reported on yesterday's exchange of vows by Maria and Raymond Higginson, in addition to their unusual venue for their reception - the local McDonalds restaurant in Moor Farm, Cramlington in the United Kingdom.

The wedding party feasted on Super Sized Big Mac and McChicken sandwich meals and McFlurrys


The Higginsons had their white wedding,
Whilst all class they were a shedding;
It wasn't at all wacky,
Just really "McTacky",
Was it in fries their nuptial bedding?


For those of you who may be interested in holding a similar style wedding or reception, I've provided a copy of the catalogue from which he purchased his lovely bride's wedding ring.




Related Links:

Fat Facts
Too Fat for Ronald

Masturbating Doesn't Get Skakel Off

The man who stated, "I am going to get away with murder. I am a Kennedy." has been found guilty today of the 1975 murder of Martha Moxley.

Part of Michael Skakel's defense had been that he had been up in a tree masturbating at the time of the murder.


So now Mike's off to prison,
For innocent he certainly isn't;
Being a Kennedy,
Wasn't a remedy;
He can jerk it till grey and wizened.


I guess that it was a stroke of bad luck after all.


Related Links:

Talk About a Jerk

Tits Up for Great Tits

At least that's the way that some people might have it.

It was with amusement and enjoyment that I read about the humour of this marketing campaign in The Scotsman. More so, it is laughable at the reactions of some people and how, if they are able to misinterpret something they will and express indignation if only that their voice may be heard.

In a publicity campaign for the Craigmillar Wildlife Information, a Web page featured the headline, "Great Tits!". Now who isn't going to read that article or advertisement, even if out of curiosity? And how many people are not going to have a good chuckle at being had when they go on to read the smaller print that shows it to be referring to the birds called tits?

Sally Fraser, editor of the Craigmillar Chronicle, defended the advertisement saying, "I don't think it's offended anyone. Most people thought it was absolutely hilarious."


Craigmillar promotes "Great Tits!"
Sending a few into their fits;
Why so anal retaining?
Feeble minds complaining;
It's birds, you damn silly gits.


Way to go, Sally. Keep on promoting great tits! ;-)

Fat Assed Lawsuits

Can we sue our own fat asses off?

The lawyers will have such a gas,
As the new suits commence en masse;
They'll sue class action,
You'll see but a fraction,
As they keep the most, the fat ass.


Or is all of this a conspiracy by Richard Simmons in order to market his products in Burger Kings across the country?

Fat Facts

Last night, as usual, I took a break to watch Jay Leno's monologue, during which he referred to McDonald's new menu that was reported to contain spam as the primary ingredient.

Mmmm ... this sounded just too yummy to be true.

I'm not certain if I'm a sucker in this one (it wouldn't be the first time, nor the last, alas) but this morning I decided to do a google on mcdonalds spam, mcdonalds spam menu (Jack Lord's newsletter did refer to spam and eggs being available) and mcdonalds new menu, though no information was forthcoming pertaining to this alleged new menu (if I can't trust Jay, who can I trust?).

Not to be deterred (the stubborn Idiot that I am), off under the golden arches I went, to their corporate Website. Glancing through the news releases, menus and ingredients - still to no avail. I may be a stubborn Idiot but I'm not a stupid one, and I decided not to waste more than the 15 minutes that were already out the window in this diligent research.

When, out of the corner of my eye, as I was about to click the all mighty x at the upper right hand corner of the screen, I spied the word : fat whilst recalling my previous allegation regarding the fat content of McDonalds' Super Size meal - I had to check this out (I'm not a cat so I may be curious).

In the introduction they state: For someone eating 2000 calories per day, 30% of calories from fat translates to 65 grams of fat per day. For 2500 calories, 80 grams of fat is the recommended daily limit. Okay, that's cool to know (I wonder if their legal department made them write it).

It has been some years since I ate at old Ronald's house and I wondered what a typical meal might be. Deciding on an appetizer, main course, drink and dessert I went with their chef's salad with ranch dressing as an appetizer, the Big N' Tasty with cheese, the Super Sized fries (are they not famous amongst the Hindu community?), honey mustard into which to dip the fries, a chocolate shake to drink and a McFlurry for dessert (Mmmmmm ... ice cream is wonderful during the summer months). Overall, a nice well balanced meal.

Now, downloading their PDF file to find out what the total damage is:

Calories             2,780
Fat                     136.5
Saturated Fat        41.5
Cholesterol          290

I'm going to have to spend a half hour on the stair climber for just reading about all of this.

At McD's is where it's all at,
If to dine on saturated fat;
Eat as you please,
(What's heart disease?);
But better than egg rolls and cat.


As I'm sitting wondering how I'm going to tie up this post, I took a break to read Ringman's new column at BackWash, on which he has an interesting (and timely) link. Will this be the wave (or waddle) of the future? Or should people use a little common (what is "common"?) sense and (though enjoying those wonderfully fattening foods from time to time) eat a little more healthier?

jotting down a note to make pizza tonight

Bon Apetit!


Related Links:

Too Fat for Ronald
Food for Thought
Food for Thought II

Too Much Horsing Around

A person who is cruel to animals does indeed need to be punished but this is enough to make most people grimace. According to Ananova, the Romanian man Costel Zaharia spent four days in hospital after the horse which he abused turned on him ...

And bit his penis.

The doctors who did the plastic surgery said that he should make a full recovery.

How the heck did his penis came to be close to the horse's mouth?


Then there's the Romanian horse,
Who with a bite he tried to divorce,
A man from his penis,
A Romanian machinist;
Who for the abuse should feel remorse.


Would the horse's name be Lorena?

Aussies Sheepish About Gas

Australians have a gas problem. Rather, their sheep do. ABC News reported that the Department of Primary Industries researchers are desirous in attempting to isolate a bacteria present in kangaroos that prevents the production of methane and introduce this into their (Australia's) sheep and cattle population.

Minister of the Department of Primary Industries stated that Australia's cows and sheep release 60 million tonnes of gas emissions each year. (Not to mention the millions of tonnes of gas emissions that might be eradicated should this bacteria be made standard fare in the cafeterias and restaurants surrounding the state buildings of each global capital.)

Well, this Idiot was curious as to what 60,000,000 tonnes of gas emissions was. Based on this formula, this would cover an area of 502 million square meters or, an area of 502 square kilometers 1 meter deep. This would be the same as completely covering Washington DC with pure methane with a layer that was almost 10 feet deep.


The Aussies they have gaseous sheep,
But in air foul they wade very deep;
So they'll study the art,
Of the kangaroo fart,
To see if blue skies they'll keep.


I hope that they insert this bacteria into airplane food.

Where is Zero Tolerance?

The United States Roman Catholic bishops' have drafted a proposal for disciplining clergymen who are accused of sexually abusing children.

The proposal, to be presented to all bishops next week at a conference in Dallas, Texas, does not include a zero tolerance policy.

What they are proposing is that a clergyman's diocese is to report any accusation of sexual abuse to authorities and that they are to cooperate in any investigation.

Good.

If the investigation affirms a complaint then the officials in the clergyman's diocese will immediately relieve the alleged offender of his ministerial powers.

So a priest would remain as a priest, though unable to perform the priestly duties such as the mass.

Under the plan, clergymen would be on notice that any act of sexual abuse from then on will bring about a request for the revocation of the clergyman's ministerial powers - though this would still permit the church worker lay privileges such as working in a church day care facility or assisting a priest.

... any act of sexual abuse from then on?

Does this mean one act of sexual abuse and they're on notice, a second act and they "may" lose their ministerial powers?

Now here's the kicker:

A request for the removal of the priest's ministerial powers, in cases of acts against a minor prior to the adoption of the plan, will only be issued if a clergyman is found to be a pedophile or it is more than one act of sexual abuse against a minor that he has committed.

If I understand this correctly (not that it would be the first time that I'm wrong), those priests who have abused minors in the past may remain as priests if it was only one act or they have not been found to be a pedophile.

By the sounds of this document it was drafted by lawyers who were attempting to see how many loop holes they might place in it without annoying the congregation too much.

Their actions of the past might cause one to be curious if the bishops will be using this pickup line during their conference:


Said the priest as he undid his gallus,
I want to finger your tight little phallus,
You're really quite cute,
Let me blow on your flute,
And help you to unload your ballast.


There was no mention if the bishops will attempt to include in their proposal that an edict be passed in which the church is to provide self defense lessons for alter boys.

Related Links:

Boston Tea Party
Fuzzy (Catholic) Logic
Sign of the Times

Too Fat for Ronald

You have to admit that there is more than a little irony to a story in which a girl is fired from a McDonald's restaurant for being too fat.

Svenska Aftonbladet reported (or that should be "will report" since it'll be in tomorrow's edition) that Pernilla Flodin, 20 years-old had received a typical 6 month trial employment period with the golden arches in Sweden, yet after the fourth day she was fired.

The personnel manager stated, "You are too fat", she told Aftonbladet.


At McD's you can't be too fat,
To wear our bright yellow hat;
For if you're to work,
Here as a clerk,
Your tummy is to be trim and flat.


We don't give a damn if you're cute,
Don't come here for a job pursuit;
If you're too fat,
It's with a splat,
You're to get Ronald's red boot.


Excerpts from the Golden Arches Swedish Employee Manual:

Qualified





Non-Qualified




Note: Did you know that a McDonald’s Big Mac and Super-Size fries has 1100 calories and 56 grams of fat?

Sign of the Times?

It was with shock that I viewd this image of the Pope.

Is it an optical illusion?

Or a sign from god?

You be the judge.




Now the pope has put in his requisition,
To start a modern day inquisition.
It's out with each gay,
(Into the closet they say)
First he should have done a disquisition.


Does anyone recall whom it was who said, "Where standards are high, double standards are higher."?

Naked Ice

Was there a full moon this weekend?

I did a double take when I heard this story read over the radio this morning.

A man tried to tackle a speed skater here in Vancouver while he was at a night-time practice session.

Just another celebrity attack?

Well, not quite.

The attacker was,

Naked.

Brrrrrrrrr

What's with this guy? Did he lose a bet?

The attacker, described as a white 20 year-old male about 6 feet tall, escaped - with frost bitten toes, I'd imagine. The guy's brain must have been frost bitten as well. Did he expect to be able to out run a speed skater? Did he expect to be able to stand on the ice for more than a few minutes?


As for the skater on ice,
For some reason did entice,
A naked young man,
On the he rink ran,
Getting blue balls, his price.


The lad has developed a serious ice fetish from having too many cold showers.

Oh Cabbie

It's time for me to change occupations and become a taxi driver. Preferably a German cab driver. One in Hamburg, if I had my druthers.

A taxi driver in Hamburg picked up a 30 year-old blonde woman who proceeded to remove all of her cloths and throw them out of the window as the vehicle drove through the center of the city.

The woman, once naked, climbed into the font seat and asked the 57 year-old driver for sex. The cabbie called the police who gathered up the woman's clothes and ensured that the nympho-exhibitionist paid for her fare - in cash.


There once was a driver of cabs,
For whom sex was up for grabs;
But he called for the cops,
As her brassiere drops;
Perhaps he thought she had crabs.


In truth, I shouldn't make too much fun of the man as he is married and it is admirable that he turned the little nymph's offer of sex down.

I'm single :-)

Fuzzy (Catholic) Logic

Logic:

a = b
b = c

Therefore:

c = a

That is simple enough, is it not?

Catholic Logic:

divorce = sin
gay = sin
sex out of wedlock = sin
woman ≠ priest
gay ≠ priest
married ≠ priest
sex ≠ priest
pedophile = priest
divorced archbishop = priest
married archbishop = priest

Grinning Idiot = puzzled


An archbishop he once did marry,
At 71 to pop his cherry;
So now he'll divorce,
Just a matter of course;
As long has he's not a fairy.


According to the Vatican City (not the Bible, mind you), to divorce is a sin, to be gay is a sin, a woman may not be a priest, a homosexual may not be a priest and a priest may not be married.

How does that apply to Monsignor Tarciso Bertone, the African archbishop who married the South Korean acupuncturist in a ceremony presided over by the Reverend Sun Myung Moon in New York last year?

Bertone has, according to 30 Days, left his wife to return to Italy in preparation for resuming his ministry.

Personally, I have no problem with that - shit, unfortunately, happens and couple separate or divorce.

But a Catholic?

A Catholic priest?

A Catholic archbishop?

Dictum vel factum vel concupitum contra legem æternam

Has eternal law been revoked?

If he divorces, may he be a priest?

If so, does this mean that his Catholic cronies have forgiven him? (So simple, isn't it?)

If he doesn't divorce, how may he be a married priest?

Will the head pope man himself break the marital bonds and dissolve the union?

Will this mean that priests may now marry?

Does this mean that women may now become priests?

And homosexuals?

Or, more accurately, openly homosexual?

May they become priests?


Not everyone can be a priest,
You have to be male, at least;
And you can't be gay,
But what'll they say,
If you're dead, deceased?


Now I know what they mean by Fuzzy Logic.

New GABI Members

Laughing!!

Okay, Okay ...

I had to accept this couple (couple?) if for nothing else, originality. Which is Peter and which is Brian?

   

To Peter L. and Brian W. of Canada:

Welcome! to Grinning Idiot's (that's me) Grin And Bare It (GABI) Club. You both are now full members possessing all of the rights (and duties) of being a GABI member.


Greetings to Brian and Peter,
I can't really call them a cheater;
Original they were,
With teeth and some fur,
A lady's tush would have been sweeter.


For further information about joining, click:

The S Word

A Rant in F Major

Spam

Spam

Spam

Spam Fucker.

Honey, honey, send me one more message

How many unsolicited e-mails (spam) do you receive every day?

One?

Five?

Ten?

Like most people, I have several e-mail accounts. E-mail accounts for my blog, projects, work, private and one on Hotmail for signing up at Websites such as Yahoo whom have an aggressive attitude towards violating the privacy of their visitors. All in all, I might receive 15 to 20 spam e-mails in my private account and another 20 in total in my other accounts. Like most people I've learned to live with it and I patiently delete each message without bothering to glance at it.


It's into my e-mail they cram,
More and more of their spam,
What I'd like to stuff,
And do it quite rough,
Is up their asses a lamb.


(Note: That would be baaaad of me.)

I shall digress for a few moments in order to create the scenario and the frame of mind which I was in upon connecting via my (usually) trusty Earthlink connection.

Thursday night through Friday morning were spent hurriedly finishing up some work and printing out a few documents to read (not to mention some material for your favourite limericks) before high tailing it out of my dark office, away from the low hum of being surrounded by computers, monitors, printers, scanners and other odds and ends of electronic toys that supposedly make our labour a more productive and enjoyable experience (bullshit).

Finally!

Through my bloodshot caffeine enhanced eyes I note the changing of the digital numbers.

Noon time.

I'm gone.

Fishing!

My father and I are going to visit some friends up the Sunshine Coast to have a few beer, play some cards, tell a few fish stories and hopefully make a few new fish stories of our own.

Four hours and a ferry ride later, we've arrived. Arrived at one of the most idyllic settings that this Province has to offer. The house is situated on a 7 mile long, narrow lake and it flows directly into the open ocean. Fed by the run off from the snow peaked mountains that surround it, bald eagles circling with an appearance of laziness awaiting to spy the new born ducklings as the late afternoon sun beams down upon the clear mirrored surface of the water. Sea otters are playing along the shore, though the pesky beaver are naught to be seen at the moment the remnants of their diligence is noted along the far shore.

Even if you don't believe in heaven, this must be what it would be like. No pesky angels with harps. No dudes with long flowing white beards that you wonder how they manage not to continuously trip over them. No maitre'd named Peter at the door asking if you've made a reservation. Just simplistic raw natural beauty.

To shorten the story, it was an enjoyable time of trout fishing (we caught our fair share), laughter, good food and enjoyable company before I had to head back before everyone else late Saturday for a dinner that night (betwixt dinner and the trip, dropping in to send out a column that I wrote on the ferry, of course). Saturday evening was just as enjoyable, spending time with fine people, telling stories (not fish ones, though), having more than our fill of drink and food as the night went on.

And today. Another beautiful day, catching up on some yard work (do the weeds ever end?) and curious as to what the heck has been munching on my tarragon. The new cherry tree is coming along nicely, though only as tall as myself it still has close to one hundred (still green) berries dangling from its branches (I need to do something so that the birds don't get to them before I do). The roses should be in blossom this week.

This is what life is about, regardless of how much I enjoy work, every so often one does need to get out and take a deep breath so as to remember how the flowers do indeed smell. Not to mention to attempt to bring a little colour to this pale body.



The evening rolls around, the day's toil flowing down the drain of the shower as I sit back once more in front of my glowing monitor and at last poke my head into my e-mail box.

Hmmmm ...

The counter is showing 176 messages - a bit above average for a weekend, even though there's more than a few from replied to postings at BackWash.

I lean back, strong hot Earl Grey tea in hand as I glance at the e-mail headers as they flicker up on the screen before being sent directly to their various folders. There's the usual potpourri of advertising from Yahoo (their new privacy policy doing its work), About and Brian Edwards of X-10 with his daily pitch, notes from friends, work messages, news letters, etc. Mixed in amongst all of this is a smattering of spam. Smattering?

Spam Fucker.

I'm watching subject lines such as "You have already been approved", "Lose weight" and "Do you want a bigger cock?" appear. That's not unusual - but I'll use the stair climber if I wish to lose weight thank you. But that's not all. Spam after spam after fucking spam appear in front of me.

In a period of 53 hours, in only one email account, I've received

71 spam messages.

71!

Spam fucker.

I'm not including "partner" e-mails or e-mails from newsletters that are associated with newsletter to which I've signed up. I'm not including the newsletters that send out an extra "newsletter" which is only an advertisement for their next cocktail party.

What am I, the spam repository of the week?

It was 71 unsolicited e-mail messages.

71 spams.

Spam Fucker
(To the music of Star Star (Starfucker) by The Rolling Stones)


Honey, honey, send me one more message
I know you're sellin' new fast credit
With to purchase used porn
All those beat up ratings of mine
Got to get you in their mailbox
And hot casinos and pic finos
Get their hands beneath your hood

Yeah! You're a spam fucker, spam fucker, spam fucker, spam fucker, spam
Yeah, a spam fucker, spam fucker, spam fucker, spam fucker, spam
A spam fucker, spam fucker, spam fucker, spam fucker spam


For the moment at least:

/end rant

Rapper Fined for Spanking Monkey

French Rapper Joey Starr was convicted by a French court for spanking his monkey on television.

Starr sparked an uproar from animal rights activists when he slapped his pet monkey several times on camera during the recording of a program at his home.

The rapper, whose real name is Didier Morville has a number of previous convictions for assault.


There once was a rapper whose monkey,
Was spanked on TV till funky;
Then P.E.T.A. went ape,
With mouths all agape;
Now poorer he's not feeling so spunky,


The French court spanked him with a $9,100 fine.

Surfs Up!

Paula, what in the world were you doing ...

There instead of here?

;-)

An article in The Indianapolis Star stated that this modern day Lady Godiva (was she riding side saddle?), Paula Perry was arrested for doing a little naked riding on the roof of a Chevy Blazer whilst her friend Donna Reed drove. Donna was the (happy) recipient of a summons. The charges against Ms. Perry include public intoxication (isn't that a surprise) as well as indecent exposure.


Paula, she said she was hot,
She shed all the clothes that she got;
So up on the roof,
Went a drunken goof;
And then by the cops she was caught.


Should Paula be made to be an honorary member of the Grinning Idiot GABI Club?