He's Rather Paranoid

(Rather be Yoda)

After reading the excerpts from the interviews it sounds as though it is Dan Rather who requires Dick Cheney's services to clarify his (Rather's) meanings.

There once was a newscaster so blue,
Who said, "Ashcroft's not after you.
It's me that he's after,
To hang from the rafter;
He'll soon cover my breasts up too."

Mind Your Own?

Upon reading this article in The Economist one might construe that we (The People?) have entered into a post-Orwellian era wherein control has (potentially) surpassed that in which Winston existed.

Like vamps your grey cells they suck,
In pursuit of the elusive big buck;
Drugs make you happy or sad,
Or stark raving mad;
As they play with genetic mind fuck.

The Conspiracy Worth $20

Whether this conspiracy belongs in the X-Files or the Twilight Zone, well, you can be the judge of that, though it was interesting to find an Urban Legend that proved itself to be true.

Conspiracy nuts does this tickle;
Landing the treasury in a deep pickle?
A twenty they did fold,
Of 9-11 it told;
Now tell them what to do with a nickel.

To think that it has been suggested that I have too much time on my hands.

Save the Children

I couldn't resist, I really couldn't, but it was killing (so to speak) two birds with one stone.

Ringggg!

(I'm annoyed after the first ring. This is the first time in weeks that I've been able to sit down to watch TV - and there's a movie on that I haven't seen before - Operation Swordfish.)

Ringgggg!

(Has anyone else noticed that the volume of the ring is in direct proportion to the importance of that which the phone is interrupting?)

RINGGGGGGG!!

Okay, damnit! I'm coming already!

Grinning Idiot: "Hello?"

Annoying Voice: "Good evening, is this Mr. Idiot?"

Grinning Idiot: "Who is speaking, please?"

Annoying Voice: "Am I speaking with Mr. Idiot?"

Grinning Idiot: "And who might it be that desires to speak with Mr. Idiot this evening?"
(Yes, I can sound pompous if I wish when some ass phones me on a Friday evening without stating who he is.)

Annoying Voice: "This is Mr. Annoying Telemarketer calling on behalf of the Save the Children Foundation and we were ... "

Grinning Idiot: "How did you get this number?"

Annoying Voice: "We received your number from one of our partners and, as I was mentioning, I'm calling on behalf of the Save the Chil..."

Grinning Idiot: "Yes, yes - I heard you. You wish to save the children."

(I'm looking up at the TV to see John Travolta standing up in the convertible as they're being chased through the streets, feeling the adrenaline flowing as the car (what type was it??) maneuvers in and out of traffic.)

Annoying Voice: "As I was ... "

Grinning Idiot: "I said that I heard you - you want to save the children."

Grinning Idiot: "I believe that shooting priests is against the law so I'm not interested at this time, thank you."

Click!

BTW, the movie was entertaining, if lacking a certain degree of realism as Hugh Jackman, otherwise fine in his roll, comes across more like a script kiddie than a cracker. It was nice to see an American film in which the bad guy actually won (or was he a bad guy?).

Side Note 1: What is is with American movies that everyone has to live happily ever after and that the film must be completely PC?

Side Note 2: Is Michael Jackson catholic?

Thralls of DeFeet

This would be enough to eradicate thoughts of foot fetishes from most minds - Unless, I suppose, if they were masochists with a foot fetish.

There are those who do have a fetish,
For feet that are sour and sweatish;
Only a masochist precocious,
Could love feet atrocious,
Not feeling the need of Tagametish

Such feet that are ugly as sin,
Of which there is surely no twin;
When born as a tot,
It was their sad lot,
To have feet like a fish fin.

And to think that this was a contest that I might have won ;-)

Food for Thought

Don't you just love marketing? How the (otherwise) fine men and women from Madison Avenue try to see how stupid Joe Public really is? They do a damn fine job of it too. I shouldn't only refer to Madison Avenue for there are some wonderful advertisements in Europe and the rest of the world as well (my favorites are from Europe - they tend to be much less bashful - but we'll touch upon those another day).

If you cluck at the King you'll have saved,
50 cents, and if you're really depraved,
What'll ya do for a buck?
My fries you'd suck?
By the burger boys you're now enslaved.

I really wonder if this was part of a ploy to save money by not having to use ripe tomatoes or food dye.

It's blastin' green ketchup I squeeze,
Onto my hotdog all covered with cheeze,
The thing with this goo,
If you're sick, Achoo!
Can't tell if it's ketchup or sneeze.

This isn't exactly marketing - at least not good marketing.

There once was a restaurant, McD's,
You could order just anything you please,
A burger, real meat,
Fries you could eat,
And a shit kicking all covered with cheese.

Will this in any manner infringe upon JM Smucker's patent application? I wonder if this is related to the sandwiches that the US military states will stay fresh for up to three years.

So now there's a bread without crust,
Your bank account it can so bust.
What next is the feat?
A loaf without wheat,
Just bread out of scrapings and dust.

In the Navy

"In the navy, we sail the seven seas. In the navy ... "

It isn't very pleasant to be part way through the morning with Village People music (if you may call it that) running through your head. I'm not certain why it came to mind upon reading this. Perhaps a certain amount of irony to the situation.

For NavyDallas.com we mourn,
The site has now been reborn;
The navy couldn't pay,
So what can they say;
Now that the Site is all porn.

Boston Tea Party

There once was a Bostonian priest,
Who's lust for a boy unleashed,
A scandal at home,
So send him to Rome,
Was the cardinal's ass, too, greased?

At the outset I must state categorically that I have nothing against Catholics or Christians (or Baptists or Buddhists or Pagans or ... well, you get the picture) - at least not as individuals. When you start to organize everything and commence to create a political self serving monster out of that which (supposedly) is to be pure and attempt to justify your own actions in the name of god ... you just slide on down Dante's bannister.

Cardinal Ergon et al, the damn fools,
Priests playing with little boys' tools;
It's in hell that they'll burn,
For heaven they did spurn,
They covered up deeds done in church schools.

The Catholic Church seems to have forgotten the words of Christ, "Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's." He may have been referring to taxes in that situation, yet does it also not refer to "Give unto the world that which is the world's"? The Catholic church may forgive a priest guilty of sin - or, more accurately, a priest may ask forgiveness of God, in the name of Christ, for his sins and be forgiven. Regardless of whether or not it is the church and/or God who forgives the priest, the priest is still guilty (based on the assumption of guilt, not referring to any priest in particular) in the eyes (or law) of the world and unto the world he should still be turned to accept his punishment.

In the end it was up to the pope,
Whom before I thought not a dope,
But with Egan to Rome,
Leaving the pedophiles home,
To wander church halls and grope.

Bernie you silly dumb shit,
As priest and lawyer unfit?
You'd blame a kid,
Whom Shanley did?
Rather than guilt admit.

Based on this (not to mention that the law in and of itself should be complied with), the Catholic church should fully comply with the laws of the country in which it operates - Turn over all documents pertaining to the cases. Immediately upon the establishment of guilt (confession) of a crime such as molestation by a priest, that priest should be removed (defrocked) as a priest and encouraged to go to the authorities to confess his crime.

Mr. Priest to jail you should go,
For a crime you commit as you crow;
From your mouth you blow gas,
With your head up your ass,
That's sodomy, really, ya know.

People will (have) lose heart (faith).

To worship a melon or kitty?
Both beat the Vatican City,
Wrapped up in their vows,
The silly damn sows,
Play with each others itty bitty.

Talk about a Jerk

There isn't much to say about this except for to laugh and wonder if it is genetics or environment that makes us whom we are.

There once was a lad with a plea,
Skakel's friends, they told the jury;
Young Mike was too busy,
A lad, so dizzy,
Masturbating way up in a tree.

It's really an interesting ruse,
Just to save a neck from the noose;
Lil' Mike a jerking,
In a tree he's lurking;
Would you call this a limp excuse?


Would this be a stroke of good luck if acquitted?

Ambidextrous Idiot

As you may have noticed, I have a penchant for ridiculing the extreme - In particular extreme stupidity. Granted, we all make mistakes (I'm the first one to call myself an Idiot) and that isn't going to change. It's when the mistakes are for the lack of trying or the mistakes are out of pure ignorance that fodder for this blog is provided. For some reason the far right (can we all say, "religious right"?) and the far left (would I be referring to the "self righteous left"?) seem to provide the foundations for the best material.

Yet, even when trying to find the humorous side of people and life (albeit with a cynical view) there are days that I have to seat myself and shake my head, uncertain whether to be laughing at the stupidity out there, (the sequel to the X-Files - "Is the Stupidity Out There?") or say to hell with it and learn how to play contract bridge instead. That mood only lasts a few moments. Life is too much fun, regardless of the little quirks that are tossed in the way - besides, who else is going to write bad limericks and horrible poetry in order to make fun of the stupid people out there? :p~

In honour of the far right and left:

Ambidextrous Fools

This chic from the left and a guy from the right,
Used all of their time to argue and fight;
What they got done was just sweet all fuck,
As the world continued to mire in muck;
Get your heads all clear and outa your asses,
Use your ears not mouths spewing foul gases;
Ya moan and ya bitch about this's and thats,
Youse both is just acting like really spoiled brats;
Swallow your pride, quit being so bitter,
Or everything and all will dump in the shitter.

A O Hell

No kidding! As if this is a surprise. In a recent poll by ChangeWave, nearly 60% of the respondents were planning to leave America Online for another Internet service.

There once was an Internet service,
Who's product was annoyingly nervous;
'Twas slow, now it's down,
In ads you will drown;
And on messenger all can observe us.

What's new with America Online?
Their clientele is in a decline.
Brand, service, support;
"Damned poor", retort;
Or so their users do whine.

My only hope is that they don't join Earthlink and ruin the service for the rest of us ;-)

Blatant Plug - Okay, if you do decide to try Earthlink (btw, it is the best), phone their 1-800-EARTHLINK toll free number and say that grinningidiot@earthlink.net referred you to them and we'll both get a free month's subscription. Thanks! :-)

In the Buff

What is it with people who decide that their world is coming to an end all as a result of their favourite TV series being cancelled? Don't they realize that these actors and actresses have a life which they too want to get on with?

After stumbling across more than a few zines (I greatly enjoy Bonnie's writing even if I don't agree with her outlook as it pertains to this media program in particular) dedicated to the Buff Broad - No, I'm not making reference to those Sites - I was curious how many Websites make reference to "Buffy".

Google:    2,290,000
Yahoo:     223
AltaVista: 1,400,143

Be more specific, you say? There are many a Buffy out there. (Yeah, right - only at the various XXX Sites.)

Fine, I'll buy that. So the search for "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (can we be any more specific?) yielded the following results:

Google:    426,000
Yahoo:     200
AltaVista: 199,751

Other than proving how people love to waste their time (if the average page took 1 hour to create, we're talking about 261 "man years" or, more realistically, if a person were to work 40 hours per week, 50 weeks of the year, it would take 1,145 years to create the Sites), it re-confirmed a couple of items pertaining to some search engines: 1) Google is the Best; and, 2) Yahoo filters almost in direct proportion to the extent that they changed their privacy policy.

For you buffed out people, your season is at an end, thus I may but say:

That slayer of vampires, dear Buffy,
Is startin' to look kinda puffy;
Next season's the end,
Just around the bend,
'Cause everyone's had just enoughy.

So what if they all get the axe?
I mean really, look at the facts;
It's just a TV show,
With a slayer ho,
On life it should have no impacts.

She is cute (and a decent actress), but what do you expect to see - Sarah Michelle Gellar growing old with plastic surgery and blue hair as she attempts to slay senile vampires in the old age home? Get with the program, the real program, not the one on your TV.

Birds of a Feather

There is nothing like turning on CNN to this story. When I first saw the poor birds I thought that some cruel bastard plucked the feathers from the Colonel Sanders runaways before realizing that it was the work of some mad scientists.

What now, a featherless chick?
I could nearly shit a brick,
When I saw this poor bird,
Ludicrous! Absurd!
It looks like a Mengele trick.

This chick has so much less fat,
Though it looks like a lumpy red bat;
Won't KFC be pleased,
With fewer hearts diseased;
New meat to deep fry in their vat.

At least now I know what I'll look like when I'm 93 years old, sun burnt, naked and sporting a red mohawk ;-)

One of Those ...

Today - such a start to this day.

I'm a light sleeper, so this time of year I tend to awaken with the first rays of the morning filtering in through my floor to ceiling windows. Or to the sounds of the birds fighting over their breakfast worms (don't they know that it is the one who finishes the tequilla who gets the worm?).

This morning it was slightly different.

I heard a scraping sound on the stone tiled patio outside of my bedroom. Pop open my eyes as I lay completely still trying to assess the nature of the sound. My head turns ever so slowly as I look out of my window to spy a masked mass of fur waddling along the patio floor.

Ahhhh ... The raccoons are back!

Quickly, I toss on a pair of shorts. Run and grab my camera and quietly open the french doors to the terrace. Ever so slowly I step outside, lifting the camera to my face as I remove the lens cap, eyes never leaving the fur coat with feet that's sniffing the rose bush.

Whooooosh .... BANG!

The cursed wind blew shut the door and off scampers the raccoon.

Okay, that's not so bad. There will always be other opportunities to take a picture of the little masked avenger.

But ...

My hand attempts to twist the handle of the door ...

To no avail.

The damned door was locked.

Needless to say that the majority of the words that flowed from between my lips were from George Carlin's list of seven.

Did I mention that it was raining out?

So, here I am, standing in my boxer shorts, locked out of the house at 5:45 in the morning, barefoot in the rain.

I like walking barefoot in the rain. Really I do. Just not at 5:45 in the morning whilst dressed only in my boxers.

Okay, okay ... I'm a logical person (contrary to rumour). Time to figure out how to get back under my down filled comforter. Walking along the side of the house I finally notice that the bathroom window is slightly ajar.

A solution!

Great!

Up onto the edge of the planter I hop, arms reaching up high to grasp the edge of the small window and I pull my body towards it and ...

Squish!

My feet sink down into the black earth, mud seaping between my toes. Gritting teeth I continue to pull myself upwards and onwards until I'm resting on my elbows on the edge of the window sill pushing with my head to open the window all of the way.

And then, with heavy breath (in more than one way since I hadn't brushed my teeth yet ... but you really wanted to know that) I press with my knees attempting to leverage myself up through the window.

Son of a ...

My shoulders are too wide. Take it easy, I tell myself. Turning my body on an angle so that my shoulders are at the lower right hand corner and the upper left hand corner of the window. It looks like it's going to work! Push! PUSH! Feeling as though I'm being reborn through a cervix made of wood as my less than flexible body squeezes between the four slats marking the frame of the window.

Legs flaying in the air with guck covered feet.

Boxer shorts coming down to my knees as I jack knife my body sideways.

Arms pushing back against the wall.

Finally!

Head first into the tub I tumble.
Body scraped.
Wet.
Feet and legs muddy.
Boxers around my ankles.
Laughing.

I decided to start work late today.


Have you had one of those days? E-mail me grinningidiot@earthlink.net with your story or post your day on the message board.

Shit to Rant About

(From the Boring to the Bizarre)

This most certainly falls into the category Bizarre. Admittedly, I had to think a bit before deciding to allow this link here ::here come the snide remarks::, even though I do state uncensored. My first reaction was, "What the fuck?" - a severe knee-jerk reaction wondering if people are really into this sort of shit (pun intended) let alone taking pictures for publication on the Internet and having them rated. A new version of Rate a Geek? Whomever developed this Site has some serious childhood issues to overcome. This isn't for the weak of heart, a quesy stomach nor for anyone under the age of 21 (as if you'll be honest about it. Ha!) or those over the age of 3, so count yourself as being forewarned.

They say it's your shit you should rate,
Are they referring to political fate?
Or to Cheech or to Chong?
With an imported bong;
Or to how you perform when you mate?

This next one could fall into both the boring and the bizarre categories (or I have to create a "Just Plain Stupid" category).

When I first saw the name of the URL, BumFights, I wasn't certain if someone was sending me the latest from Mr. Methane with some teens lighting up some home made methane and singeing a few strategically placed hairs in the process or some news from the Shanley trial.

Then there's the video, Bum Fights,
The latest of the media blights;
It's their rights you're a disin'
Should land you in prisin,
In the shower to have your own bum plights.